God’s Grace and Prayers

October 22, 2017

Today is a follow up to yesterday’s Post. Thank you for the overwhelming love and support. So many of you reached out to share your stories, or just general thinking of you messages and prayers. Thank you.

– – –

On Friday Nathan and I traveled to the Wilmer Eye Institute at John Hopkins for a second opinion. Knowing they are one of the leading eye institutions in the country, we were more than hopefully – we were expecting different input and outcome scenarios.

I think at one point Nathan even said, “I am just hoping they will say, ‘oh, yeah we have these drops’ and they will put them in and I will see again.”

Of course we were being extreme with that scenario but the point was we were very hopefully.

Naturally I have been praying for Nathan through this experience. My conversations with God began the very first night when we found ourselves in the Emergency Room facing the unknown.

God will not make it all go away just because we magically want it to. God will not fix something because we feel it is not fair. We are good people and faithful people but that does not excempt us from the challenges of life.

God most certainly did not put us in this circumstance but he will see us through.

And, through it all He has shown us His grace. The days before Wilmer and even during our visit I often reached out in prayer. Asking for hope and good news. That was all I wanted or needed – some hope and some good news. I trusted him for the outcome and put everything in his hands. Saying, ‘Show us the way and we will give it all to you.’

Our outcome on Friday was not the miracle fix-all we wished for. Yet God did answer my prayers – ‘some hope and some good news.’

We learned that the macular tear or hole that had shown itself two weeks ago on a scan at our doctor’s office and was the reason Nathan’s sight has been compromised, had healed. Actually no longer existed. Miracle!

As the photo technician took the images I scanned the screen for the hole I had seen but it was gone. I kept quiet on my findings because I am no medical professional and I did not want to get Nathan’s hopes up.

Soon a resident doctor confirmed my analysis and stated, “I see no macular hole.” There was a spark in Nathan and the biggest smile I has seen on his face in some time.

Looking back I guess we did not even realize well if it is gone why can’t he still see? Instead we were so hopeful.

A few moments later the Specialist came in the room and met Nathan, reviewed his files and performed an exam. Then the bad news was delivered. Nathan’s macular layers were bruised and basically collapsed. This was indeed why he still could not see. The bigger gulp, our time at Wilmer would end before it began as there was nothing they could do. No surgery, no medicines and no magic drop that would cure it all away.

She was kind and careful with her delivery and shared that time could eventually, one day, heal some of his vision but there was no sure fire solution or option. She gave him the hope with a 50/50 shot of it staying the same or improving naturally over time.

The crushing news has been the story of this journey – high hopes and then sudden bad news.

As we left, I felt an inner calmness though which was a new feeling through this process.

I prayed for God to give me hope and good news and he did. The macular hole we prayed would heal is doing just that. In fact, not even showing! While we did indeed learn more and those results may not have been what we were ultimately wishing for, I realized it was still exactly what I prayed for.

Time can heal Nathan and for that we remain grateful.

God did something else though in the halls of John Hopkins. He gave me perspective.

Somehow looking for a restroom before Nathan’s appointment we accidentally found ourselves in the Cancer Center at John Hopkins.

I looked into the Radiation waiting room. I witnessed a husband holding the hand of a frail wife with a cap on her bald head. I watched a sister or maybe best friend hold the hand of a young women, maybe twenty something, who had on a cap and mask to cover her mouth and most likely prevent the spread of germs to her system.

As Nathan used the restrooms, I cried in the hallway. Dear God, you are powerful and mighty. Our situation which is hard and challenging could be so much worse.

Nathan has his whole life to improve, and that is good news. Suddenly I realized we could have been there at that same Hospital receiving devastating news of merely only a small amount of time left.

I have learned through this stressful time that God’s grace is humbling. The strength of our Faith has grown through this process. I know that my prayers are being answered and He is working in ways that are not always obvious.

I know that God put us in that Cancer Center for perspective. I know He is to thanked for the success we have been graced with the healing. I know that He gave me the hope and good news I prayed for, and even though there was still bad news and the journey continues I am learning that the hope I prayed for always existed. For God has the final say.

Thank you all for being a part of this journey with us. Much love.

This Part Of Our Story

October 21, 2017

Friends, this space has always been my sanctuary, my therapy where I can vent and explore all the emotions that swirl in my heart and head. Lately, I have come to this space like maybe one would come to their favorite book, or favorite spot in town, a favorite friend, looking for solace in the mess of emotions and yet I stare at the blank page and close my computer.

I haven’t wanted to write nor share my feelings for awhile, and if you are a follower of my social media channels you know something is going on. And something is going on. A something that has rocked my family and husband into all the emotions you can imagine.

A little over two weeks ago, my Nathan suffered a pretty serious eye injury in a freak accident and as my father told me as I explained over the phone what happened, “Ashli, all accidents are freak accidents.” Cutting branches for an evening fire along the shores of Deep Creek Lake, naturally, as the sun set, Nathan moved his glasses to the top of his head and after a few swings a piece of wood came flying back and struck his eye.

VIEW STORY »

You Are Bigger Than This Big World

July 3, 2016

I look around my yard, our little slice of mountain heaven. We live in a beautiful part of the country. Rolling hills, deep thick woods and views that we too often take for granted. I can jump in my car and be at one State Park in 15 minutes, or start from the opposite direction and be at another in 10. Actually, I could physically walk to the latter and tried once, but mentally freaked myself out over a bear and forced my husband to turn around and lead us home. And, you truly are a child of nature. Maybe you see the beauty more than I. Years of living in this same place, I rarely take it in anymore. Plus, my sights are on you. Watching your every move as you explore the only bit of the world you have ever really seen. It is quite coincidentally that you don’t yet know what is out there for you to explore, yet I tune it all out because all I see is you.

You are bigger than this big world.

I have turned down opportunities. I have set my sights on reality. I know our limits as a family. “Let’s take off and go to Key West for your 30th birthday,” a group of us discussed over drinks late one night. The phone has rang, and I have been approached with great opportunities in Florida and Texas. For a split second, my mind wonders. Sometimes, I think about what could be. But, then I look at you with your toys across the living room floor, and I think of our family who surrounds us and provides safety and you relationships, and I could never imagine anything more. Every decision this world presents, you are the deciding factor.

You are bigger than this big world.

Voices in my head. All of our heads. Society quick to judge us as parents. Your child must be in bed by 8 pm. The binkie and bottle should have been gone, like three months ago. Basically, I am sure your teeth are going to fall out. She is not climbing stairs without help yet? Gasp! Wait! Did you say bottle, does that mean you are still not breastfeeding? Does she come into your bed at night? You really need to engage in the crying it out method. It comes from your mom, your best friend, the media, social media friends, parenting magazine, this here Blog! Voices swirl around me as a parent – do this, not that, eat this, not that. The leading Pediatrician says this but the world’s leading psychologist says that. You know what? What do you need, honey? Tell, me! It has not always been easy. Especially, since you are my first, but I am so much better at this. Shutting the voices and opinions down and not worrying about how you compare to another child down the street or how you compare to children your age as a national average.

You are bigger than this big world.

When my work day has been long, mentally exhausting, when I worry about small details that at the end of the day drive no true results or get me anywhere. When I care to much about satisfying others than for standing up for what I believe. Suffocating my own voice. When I feel anxiety creep into my chest and sometimes my heart beats so big I feel like it could explode. I think of you. I grab my cell phone, I flip through your pictures. Does my heart still hurt? Yes, because now I miss you as I sit here at my desk. But, slowly my anxiety becomes controllable, and I think to myself, “This is what matters.” And, I gain a part of myself back.

You are bigger than this big world.

In a world where there is violence, hate, racism, misunderstanding and pure evil, I watch in horror, flipping through news stations hoping one will reveal answers over another. I have come to feel so much pain and reveal my own anger. How does this exist? Where have we (yes, we) gone wrong? Sometimes I think, “If the world is this bad now, how bad will it be for you when you are an adult?” What will be your big world?

You are bigger than this big world.

Don’t you ever forget that! When life is hard. When the cards are not dealt in your favor. On days or nights when you want to run home and crash into your bed crying. When you feel like giving up. When things feel overwhelming, unfair, unpleasant and unimaginable. Remember – You are bigger than this big world.

My hope as your mother is that this same outlook I have on you, my everything, you have for yourself, but so much bigger. That you realize that you can do anything, go anywhere, be anything and change things. While this big ol’ world can be scary. The unknown exists and is everywhere. You little lady are already, far bigger.

Enjoyed this post? Awe, thanks. I am blushing. We can connect through facebook || twitter|| instagram || pinterest || bloglovin’

$10 Off Your $40 Candy Order at DylansCandyBar.com! Use code TENOFF in July to save.

1.5 Staring At Me

June 20, 2016

There you are, my sweet baby girl.

Those big blues, get me every time. How has time flown? How are you running and chasing and climbing and talking? I always heard other parents exclaim, “Cherish every moment. Time will fly by.”

I never believed them. How could it be? A month sometimes felt like forever, and a year an eternity. But, now that I have you I see, understand and feel time. The tick tock that echos in my mind.

You have a personality. Ornery at its best. You make us laugh and smile. You keep us on our toes with your energetic ways. Never too tired. Never content with the same thing, but always, always on the go. Up and down and literally all around. Yesterday, you mimicked my ways and hid on the opposite of the bed waiting to “roar” as I walked by. Sometimes you leave me quite awe-struck at your little brain and the way you pick things up.

You are smart. Counting to 10 on cue and proudly announcing the color “Blue!” when detected. Surpassing “Where are your eyes? Noes? Ears?” and now identifying your shoulders and elbows! You absorb at the highest.

Your temper tantrums intensify. And, patience not yet your virtue. But, maybe not mine yet either, so you get it honestly. Sorry.

Your smile. Those crazy “big kid” teeth that seem to sprout like a well watered bloom and that crazy giggle gets your Daddy and I every time.

All decked in your Sunday best, you just want “down!” to run, to explore, to see the world and take it in. I have made a mental pact with myself to never buy you white anymore. It just gets ruined. You live in the moment like all kids do. Spotting a fluttering butterfly and chasing. Hearing a crackling in the woods and looking up at me before taking off to the tree line. It is refreshing and lovely.

The true ‘apple of our eye.’ You are loved more than you know and can easily comprehend. For you are the reason I smile every day. You are the reason I am proud of me.

1.5 years old and staring me in the face. My goodness, what a sweet wonderful world you are.

Enjoyed this post? Awe, thanks. I am blushing. We can connect through facebook || twitter|| instagram || pinterest || bloglovin’

Wishes For My Little Girl

May 14, 2016

Oh, the many, many faces of my sweet, ornery little girl.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that my daughter is growing so very quickly, right before my eyes. Her personality is becoming defined. Temper tantrums are for real a thing that 100% exists. (Oh, and they do not wait until the clock strikes midnight and she turns from 1 to 2.) She is running, full fledged, running. She is nurturing and loves babies (no ideas, people). She is cognitive of her surroundings and picks up on verbiage and communication cues. She is growing. Out of clothes and shoes and cute PJ’s. Sometimes, Nathan will say, “Look at her. She looks like a ‘big’ kid now.” She is a Daddy’s girl 80% of the time and a Mommy’s in the mornings and late at night. She is hard headed and strong willed. I am in trouble. Her daddy is in trouble.

Most days I don’t allow my mind to trickle away to get ‘too deep.’ But, as we were cooped up inside for almost two fulls days due to rain and the return of cold air, my thoughts did wander. I look as this little lady who just seems to have a personality that is bursting at the seams and I can’t imagine who and what she will be.

And the truth is none of us know. I can only hope that the beauty of her blooms stronger and wilder as she grows (minus the whole temper tantrums) and that through example and faith, she is generous, happy and kind. I pray every night as I hold her tight, “Lord, let her be a happy, kind soul.” I pray that she always has a strong connection and relationship with Nathan and I. That she trusts us and that she lives life with God at her core.

It is all something unknown. All out of my control. All promised wishes and prayers, for the little crazy girl that steals my heart and changes my priorities with each passing day.

Have a great weekend, friends!

Enjoyed this post? Awe, thanks. I am blushing. We can connect through facebook || twitter|| instagram || pinterest || bloglovin’

Lately

April 4, 2016

Lately… It has been quite awhile since I visited my favorite little corner of the web. As a newbie to blogging I have learned that “vacations” from your Blog are not the most positive thing to do. That thought nagged at me. The neglect to my Blog was not an easy decision but it was necessary as I tackled some scheduled work projects.

All I can say is that the past two weeks have been incredibly, let me repeat, incredibly stress-filled and sleepless. I missed writing. I missed you!

So as I sit here, sipping my Chai Tea, I thought, “Let’s check in.”

Easter came and went.

Lo mastered “egg hunting” and the art and act of running. She also was 100% disinterested in plastic eggs that contained no contents. I know who does that anyway? Umm, this Mom, after realizing that she immediately inhaled whatever was inside. Even after the Baby M&M’s spilled out and mixed with the earth. We also picked up a new trick that has since remained. We now place any tiny little item we find on the floor, in our mouth. Damn you, Baby M&M’s.

I actually, had to head into work about 10 minutes after this picture was snapped. I cried. And, my daughter, who has learned to cry on cue with fake tears, made fun of me as I tearfully said goodbye. The thought of being away from family, away from Lo on Easter ate away at me as I drove my hour commute into work.

And, when exhaustion sets in and you just reach your breaking point… wine and milk always makes everything better. This was snagged after a long day in the office and a late night reunion.

Since we last spoke, Lo has developed an additional skill. She now bottle feeds her babies. It is the sweetest thing. The first time I “caught” her in the action I nearly cried. I know, I am crying a lot these days. No, I am not pregnant.

It seemed like yesterday that she was as dependent as that baby doll and I held her in my arms feeding her. I found myself thinking about a year ago and my sweet girl would have been four months old. It is fascinating how fast time moves by. It feels so slow until you take a step back or see your baby feeding her baby. The amount of knowledge and skills that babies, infants and toddlers take on is so overwhelming. Watching her grow and learn has been the absolute greatest joy.

And speaking of joy and growth. As her motor and verbal skills increase, her little personality presents itself. Ladies and gentleman, I have one ornery, busy-body on my hands. Nathan and I could not stop laughing as we heard clanking in the living room and walked in to see that Lo had set up the new swing we bought her, yet haven’t installed, on the floor and was sitting in it swaying front to back as to make herself swing. This kid.

To add on the whole personality point. Whining. Tantrums. Meltdowns. Yep, whatever the heck you want to call them, they exist and we experience them now. Sometimes daily. She looked so pretty as she was about to head out the door for church, she just wasn’t mentally prepared. As I joked on my Instagram page, she was in her Sunday best but not quite acting it.

So, I did what every loving Mom does in such a moment. I snapped a picture.

Last thought before I decide to delete this whole post because it is complete randomness, sort of like life these days. Bathroom selfies. Lo and I fail miserably. She looks so darn cute after baths, all wrapped in a plush towel. I admire all you hot chicas who can capture yourself so beautifully in a bathroom reflection or all you lovely Momma’s who show off your parenting and photography skills with the click of a button. Lo and I on the other hand, well, this is the best we could do.

Enjoyed this post? Awe, thanks. I am blushing. We can connect through facebook || twitter || instagram ||pinterest ||bloglovin’

What Is In My Diaper Bag?

January 20, 2016

What Is In My Diaper Bag? I know riveting stuff here, people! And, I know, a question on every single one of your minds.

Let me share a brief story. When I was seven and a half months pregnant with awful lower back pain, leg cramps, swollen fingers and feet, my husband and I headed out for an overnight holiday shopping trip to Tyson’s Corner in Virginia. I would say it is “our” thing, but in reality it is mine and my husband plays along. I sell it as a one-night getaway to enjoy each other’s company, eat really fabulous food and pretend to holiday shop (but really it is all about the food, people).
VIEW STORY »

What I Learned About Living In The Moment

January 16, 2016

Here is the thing. Lo awoke at 6 am this morning, wide-eyed and ready for the day. Momma on the other hand was a bit more groggy. Once Lo gets up, I usually can pacify her for 25-30 minutes in our bed before we really must bounce up and face the world.

To be honest, our typical mornings spent “cuddling” in bed are selfishly for me. I hope to possibly sneak 5 or 10 additional minutes of shut eye, while she watches Doc McStuffins on Disney. When that does not quite work out, I find myself laying there usually stroking her hair, my mind racing and placing unnecessary pressure on myself. Looking at the clock and beginning to feel anxious I silently tell myself, “10 more minutes.” I have already created a deadline. A deadline for my daughter and I. I have already made a mental list of chores or errand to-dos that I must accomplish. It is so unfair to Lo that as she looks up at me, fixated on me, all I can do is look at her and think about what needs to be done.

Lately I have realized that I do not enjoy such little snippits in time. I do not live in the moment.

You know, the moments where there are no cell phones or laptops. Moments of quiet and contentment. Moments where the only form of entertainment is my little one’s face starring at me, examining my structure and pointing forcefully at my nose and into my eyes. Moments when there is nothing to do but be present, breathe, live. I do not like to admit this. It makes me really sad actually, but unfortunately it is the truth. I am not here writing this Blog to create a perception of a false reality of my life or any parents life. Maybe you can relate?

Sometimes I wish I could live my life like a child. They see their surroundings and the world untouched by perceptions, hate or even harsh truths. What is in front of them is what the see. There is no complexity about it. They do not worry about what must be done or time wasted. They truly live in the moment.

When I watch Lo play, I see how engaged she is with her current reality. Unlike me, who sits on the couch worrying about work, even though it is a Saturday. I fearfully login to my email to make sure I am not missing anything and can prove my commitment and reach. Although, the truth is because of this action I am missing something. What I am missing out on is the very little thing directly in front of me who is so content in herself and current surroundings. She in her little unknown wisdom teaches me so many things about little moments and life.

I am sad. I am angry. Why do we create such unnecessary pressure on ourselves to always do more, be more? Why are we not satisfied with the present? Why can’t we live in the moment?

So, this morning as Lo got sleepy eyed and needed her morning nap, I did like I always do. Gave her the binkie and her blanket, placed her in her crib, shh shh and walked away. I sighed in relief for an hour to myself to do what I wanted or needed, whether it be to curl back up in bed, clean-up the kitchen, pay bills or make a grocery store list. But, shortly after I heard her cry.

Every single dish in the house was dirty and I swear every piece of clothing laid in two heaping piles in the laundry room waiting to be folded. But, this morning, when I heard her cry, I walked away from it all. Instead of returning the missing binkie to her mouth and patting her back, and yet walking away from her again. I chose her. I chose the moment. I picked her up from her crib and I rocked her in her room for much longer than I typically would. And, you know what she did? She stared at me, soaking me in. What was she thinking? “What is wrong with you Mom? You hardly ever do this.” I felt so ashamed.

All she every needs is always right there in that second. So, I stared and smiled back. Kissing her forehead, humming and truly cuddling for the both of us. We said more and shared more in that moment, just quietly rocking.

Slowly she fell back asleep, and I placed her in her crib. As I walked away I thought, “Gosh, I needed that.” Once I allowed myself to give her all of me, I realized in essence that she gave it all right back. Nothing else that typically races through my mind of to-dos or have-tos would or could ever fulfill me like she does in the moment. It really is true how the little things are the best things.

Have a beautiful weekend, friends. And, my goodness, if you can, find your moment.

Enjoyed this post? Awe, thanks. I am blushing. We can connect through facebook || twitter || instagram ||pinterest || bloglovin’

Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016

December 31, 2015

2015 was a big year for our family. Our life was ever changed by the presence of one little human being. One beautiful, special human being that I cannot get enough of. Technically she was born in 2014, but this past year was a whirlwind of new experiences and firsts for us all. We celebrated so many achievements and milestones and embraced our tiny baby as she developed throughout the year to a toddler, a toddler I say. Baby Lo’s birth marked a spiritual awakening in me and I felt my heart grow so much bigger and my love for God so much stronger. From the moment she was placed in my arms and I was declared a “Mom,” I felt this immediate connection to God, unlike anything before. Knowing she is a gift from him and I chosen to be her Mom filled me with this overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. With my family before me and Lo in my arms, we both were baptized this year. It was a commitment we made as individuals and as a family.VIEW STORY »

Best of the Best in 2015

December 30, 2015

Wow, how are we prepping for Old Man Time to walk out of the room and the New Year Baby to come wobbling in? Please tell me I am not the only one who has visions of such a cartoon scenario in their head when they think of New Year’s Eve. Anyone?

2015 has been a wild year for me on so many levels. Focusing solely on this Blog though, I want to take a moment and say, THANK YOU. I love that random people stop me in the grocery store and say, “I love your Blog,” or that friends from my past have connected with me through this blog and motherhood and private message me words of encouragement, and I love that I have readers! That I can go to the stats page and see what people enjoy. Again, thank you!

I said it once before and I will say it again, this blog is pure therapy for me. I love it and I love having you along for this journey. Here is a recap of what you loved in 2015. My Top 10 Blog Posts of the year. Did one of your favorites make the list?