My emotions are high. Sadness and happiness all entangled into one massive ball that sits high in my chest. I look at you and I am overwhelmed and blessed, yet at the very same moment, I feel this heaviness as if I am missing you already. How is that possible?
This year has been the longest and quickest year of my entire life. Becoming a Mom, your Mom, has been my greatest achievement. Hurdle after hurdle on so many levels, yet at the end of every long day, there you have been, allowing my exhausted mind and body to bask in your glory.
Today, on the eve of your very first birthday, I had many instances were I missed out on you in the moment because I was reminiscing on the past year. How have you gone from settled in the elbow of one arm to spread out across my upper body as you lay across my chest? How did you go from relying on me and my body to feed your little tummy to wanting bits of cheese and even french fries across your highchair plate? How has bath time which once occurred on our dining room table with a washcloth and bowl, turned into a full fledged soak down in our bathroom? How in the heck, in all this madness, has 12 months, 365 days, 1 year flashed before your and my eyes?
Today I rocked Cinderella.
I held onto you tight. The clock today has been a countdown to midnight.
As I rocked you for your morning nap, fought you for your afternoon and sneaked you into my room (outside of our bedtime routine) to put you down tonight, all I kept thinking about was how at the stroke of midnight your infant phase will be part of our past.
All day long I felt like I took mental snapshots of our moments, as if when December 20, 2015 officially occurs you and I will be someone else. Like the Prince searching for the Princess at the ball, I will be searching tomorrow morning for my baby girl.
The thing with time is that it happens before your eyes and so fast. In the moment everything seems the same. It is not until you take a step back and look back that you see how much time has passed. How much change has occurred. Just how far you, we, have come.
Every day with you gets better. While I hold you tight not wanting to let go, at the very same moment I am enjoying your growth. You see, Cinderella, at one point holding your day old self, tight against my chest, in the wee hours of the night, seemed like a fairy tale. Although, the other night, watching you gleefully giggle at our Christmas Tree lights and play with your Daddy and I, well I thought, now this is the fairy tale I envisioned for our little family.
As this Eve comes to a close, and your birthday is just around the arms of a clock, I continue to learn lessons through being your Mom. Rocking Cinderella this evening, I learned a very important parenting lesson and that is letting go. While I allowed my emotions to get the best of me on a few occasions today as I thought about losing this “infant” stage, you are still my baby (regardless of your age) and maybe what I thought were our best days, well, they may not even compare to what is yet to come.
Happy Birthday Eve my beautiful little princess.