Friends, this space has always been my sanctuary, my therapy where I can vent and explore all the emotions that swirl in my heart and head. Lately, I have come to this space like maybe one would come to their favorite book, or favorite spot in town, a favorite friend, looking for solace in the mess of emotions and yet I stare at the blank page and close my computer.
I haven’t wanted to write nor share my feelings for awhile, and if you are a follower of my social media channels you know something is going on. And something is going on. A something that has rocked my family and husband into all the emotions you can imagine.
A little over two weeks ago, my Nathan suffered a pretty serious eye injury in a freak accident and as my father told me as I explained over the phone what happened, “Ashli, all accidents are freak accidents.” Cutting branches for an evening fire along the shores of Deep Creek Lake, naturally, as the sun set, Nathan moved his glasses to the top of his head and after a few swings a piece of wood came flying back and struck his eye.
In the moment, it was dark outside and I did not witness the accident but saw my father-in-law helping him to the light of the porch. The reality of the severity of this accident sent us into pure adrenaline mode and we rushed him to the nearest hospital.
Soon we learned that his injury was indeed an emergency situation and one that required more care and we were sent to another hospital an hour away with more specialist care and equipment ready and waiting to assess. The evening was long and painful and I felt like I sat on the edge of my seat, gritting my teeth and clinging to every ounce of hope I could absorb off the faces and body language of nurses and doctors. Finally, after hours, we were sent home with strict orders and an idea of what we were facing. We had stronger hope those days, but soon we learned that the severity of his injury was worse than we expected. As his eye began to heal and the blood began to drain, we learned more injury to his eye had occurred which left us feeling hopeless, confused and desperate.
To say the last 12+ days have not been full of every possible emotion would be a lie. As I shared in a recent Instagram picture, I never knew there existed a feeling of heartbreak and gratitude all rolled into one. But that feeling does indeed exist.
We know it could be worse. Every situation in life could be worse. And, for that, we are so grateful. Each day I watched more than once a helicopter leaving our hospital or arriving and at one point told Nathan, pointing to an arriving helicopter, “It could be worse.”
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Faith exists in our individual lives and our marriage. If ever one tests their Faith it is in the moments of crisis. These past weeks we have felt the impacts of crisis mode. We have prayed. Drove hours together in silence. Squeezed each other hands to let the other know we were there when the words won’t come out or do the silence justice. We have hidden our emotions and cried into a pillow or in a hot shower, and other times our emotions get the best of us and we release our fears into each other’s hands. Faith has been tested, but God’s grace continues to bless us and our home.
I would describe these days as a roller coaster of emotions. Highs and lows with moments in between. There are moments where life gets the best of you and for that moment you forget the reality and life feels normal. There are days that feel a bit heavier and you wallow somewhere between the anger and sadness stage that comes with crisis.
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So, that is where we sit today. Teetering in-between these emotions. On one side or one day, we are in good spirits. Feeling grateful that our situation is not life or death but merely learning how to adapt. Then there are days of frustration as we go through the natural emotions of dealing with the cards dealt. One day at a time and Faith is what makes each day a new.
Thank you all so much for your kind words, the support, the love you have shared and most importantly, your prayers.