Because In This World… You Are Those People

November 20, 2018

There are people in this world that make our heart full… you are those people.

The ones we can argue with one moment, then run and hug the next. Those whose buttons we can easily push and know full well how and why we are doing this. Ones where “I am sorry” flows so much more easily. The people who we know how to rattle yet love fiercely, you are those people.

The ones who make every moment count. Those special times in our lives when you look up and hope to see them there, savoring the sweetest of life with you. The ones who you are certain the phrase, ‘save the best for last’ was indeed written for. When meaningful moments feel all too magical because they are around, you are those people.

The ones who great distances could never separate. Where no challenge – big or small could come in the way of you and them. In the darkness of the night, in the freshness of morning, when the time on the clock does not matter because you would go to any length and do anything for, you are those people.

The ones who find it in their heart and soul to forgive and forget. Who knows that your mistakes never define you and are always there to catch your falls and hit restart with you. Ones who will fight your battles alongside you and provide support so you can stand back up on your own two feet and hold your head high, you are those people.

The ones who make us cry with sadness from heartbreak, or who fill our hearts with joy from contentment. Who somehow have the magical power to make us feel what they feel in an instant. The ones who we absorb life through. When they feel, we feel, and when we feel, they feel through us too, you are those people.

The ones who make this one and only life count. Who fill every ounce of our hearts and soul with gratefulness and thanks to God. Ones who you would perhaps even lay your own life down for. The ones who when all that is left or matters in this life is those who stand beside you, extend their hand, and you hold tightly, you are those people.

— And, may you find the strength and love to share this message with your people. —

In Sickness and In Health

November 11, 2017

We stood in the farm field. It was a warm late-August day. The summer sun peeking in and out behind delightful white puffy clouds, shining through enough to give us bursts of warmth, but hiding enough to be our photographer’s dream.

The day was everything we had imagined and more. I, an anxious, worry-wart, managed to summons the calmness from the depths of my being. Unbeknownst to me, this chillness did exist and I was ever present at our wedding. Looking back I know I am a lucky one. Too often brides stress their way through their big day, but I truly enjoyed every second of our wedding and lived out each moment presently.

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God’s Grace and Prayers

October 22, 2017

Today is a follow up to yesterday’s Post. Thank you for the overwhelming love and support. So many of you reached out to share your stories, or just general thinking of you messages and prayers. Thank you.

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On Friday Nathan and I traveled to the Wilmer Eye Institute at John Hopkins for a second opinion. Knowing they are one of the leading eye institutions in the country, we were more than hopefully – we were expecting different input and outcome scenarios.

I think at one point Nathan even said, “I am just hoping they will say, ‘oh, yeah we have these drops’ and they will put them in and I will see again.”

Of course we were being extreme with that scenario but the point was we were very hopefully.

Naturally I have been praying for Nathan through this experience. My conversations with God began the very first night when we found ourselves in the Emergency Room facing the unknown.

God will not make it all go away just because we magically want it to. God will not fix something because we feel it is not fair. We are good people and faithful people but that does not excempt us from the challenges of life.

God most certainly did not put us in this circumstance but he will see us through.

And, through it all He has shown us His grace. The days before Wilmer and even during our visit I often reached out in prayer. Asking for hope and good news. That was all I wanted or needed – some hope and some good news. I trusted him for the outcome and put everything in his hands. Saying, ‘Show us the way and we will give it all to you.’

Our outcome on Friday was not the miracle fix-all we wished for. Yet God did answer my prayers – ‘some hope and some good news.’

We learned that the macular tear or hole that had shown itself two weeks ago on a scan at our doctor’s office and was the reason Nathan’s sight has been compromised, had healed. Actually no longer existed. Miracle!

As the photo technician took the images I scanned the screen for the hole I had seen but it was gone. I kept quiet on my findings because I am no medical professional and I did not want to get Nathan’s hopes up.

Soon a resident doctor confirmed my analysis and stated, “I see no macular hole.” There was a spark in Nathan and the biggest smile I has seen on his face in some time.

Looking back I guess we did not even realize well if it is gone why can’t he still see? Instead we were so hopeful.

A few moments later the Specialist came in the room and met Nathan, reviewed his files and performed an exam. Then the bad news was delivered. Nathan’s macular layers were bruised and basically collapsed. This was indeed why he still could not see. The bigger gulp, our time at Wilmer would end before it began as there was nothing they could do. No surgery, no medicines and no magic drop that would cure it all away.

She was kind and careful with her delivery and shared that time could eventually, one day, heal some of his vision but there was no sure fire solution or option. She gave him the hope with a 50/50 shot of it staying the same or improving naturally over time.

The crushing news has been the story of this journey – high hopes and then sudden bad news.

As we left, I felt an inner calmness though which was a new feeling through this process.

I prayed for God to give me hope and good news and he did. The macular hole we prayed would heal is doing just that. In fact, not even showing! While we did indeed learn more and those results may not have been what we were ultimately wishing for, I realized it was still exactly what I prayed for.

Time can heal Nathan and for that we remain grateful.

God did something else though in the halls of John Hopkins. He gave me perspective.

Somehow looking for a restroom before Nathan’s appointment we accidentally found ourselves in the Cancer Center at John Hopkins.

I looked into the Radiation waiting room. I witnessed a husband holding the hand of a frail wife with a cap on her bald head. I watched a sister or maybe best friend hold the hand of a young women, maybe twenty something, who had on a cap and mask to cover her mouth and most likely prevent the spread of germs to her system.

As Nathan used the restrooms, I cried in the hallway. Dear God, you are powerful and mighty. Our situation which is hard and challenging could be so much worse.

Nathan has his whole life to improve, and that is good news. Suddenly I realized we could have been there at that same Hospital receiving devastating news of merely only a small amount of time left.

I have learned through this stressful time that God’s grace is humbling. The strength of our Faith has grown through this process. I know that my prayers are being answered and He is working in ways that are not always obvious.

I know that God put us in that Cancer Center for perspective. I know He is to thanked for the success we have been graced with the healing. I know that He gave me the hope and good news I prayed for, and even though there was still bad news and the journey continues I am learning that the hope I prayed for always existed. For God has the final say.

Thank you all for being a part of this journey with us. Much love.

This Part Of Our Story

October 21, 2017

Friends, this space has always been my sanctuary, my therapy where I can vent and explore all the emotions that swirl in my heart and head. Lately, I have come to this space like maybe one would come to their favorite book, or favorite spot in town, a favorite friend, looking for solace in the mess of emotions and yet I stare at the blank page and close my computer.

I haven’t wanted to write nor share my feelings for awhile, and if you are a follower of my social media channels you know something is going on. And something is going on. A something that has rocked my family and husband into all the emotions you can imagine.

A little over two weeks ago, my Nathan suffered a pretty serious eye injury in a freak accident and as my father told me as I explained over the phone what happened, “Ashli, all accidents are freak accidents.” Cutting branches for an evening fire along the shores of Deep Creek Lake, naturally, as the sun set, Nathan moved his glasses to the top of his head and after a few swings a piece of wood came flying back and struck his eye.

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Five Things Five-Years of Marriage Has Taught Me – Plus a Giveaway

June 25, 2017

1 – We give love differently and we love each other differently.
Have you ever heard of the five love languages? Words of Affirmation, Touch, Time Together, Acts of Service and Gifts. When Nathan and I were engaged we attended a few weeks of marriage classes with our pastor as we prepared for the big day. Part of the prep work was learning and understanding love languages and exploring what our personal language was and our partner’s. It was the first time I realized that we loved different and needed each other’s love in different ways. Five years later, that has not changed. Understanding each other is different is not enough. Instead, I have learned that having an underlying appreciation for the fact that we are two different people and knowing what may make each other tick is actually part of marriage success. I gauge our situations by trying to say things such as, “I feel this way because…” instead of starting on a “You did this…” By taking the blame off of the other person and expressing the way you personally feel is super important in validating the fact that we know each other thinks and feels different; therefore, we love differently.

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Marriage

August 25, 2016

Marriage. Who knew one little word could carry such incredible weight? It is quite hard to wrap my brain around the emotions that overcome us, the experiences we have shared and the decisions that are placed in our hands, each and every day through marriage.

When I married Nathan, four years ago today, I was a different Ashli. He will tell you that too, but he a different Nathan.

I remember that day oh too well and yet so much already feels a blur. The day was gorgeous with bright blue skies and big puffy white clouds and a subtle wind that lifted my veil. I was not nervous, which if you knew me then and even know me now, would find surprising. I am always nervous and anxious. Instead, I was incredibly calm. I was confident in Nathan and in our first real decision as a couple, which was to wed.

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Our Marriage Foundation

February 9, 2016

Ten years ago when we started a courtship (is that a word anymore?) we were very young, wild and free. When I think back to those early years, fresh out of college, renting an apartment, living among piecemeal furniture and hand-me-downs, going out late regardless of the day of the week, making time for friends, eating grilled cheese and burning meals… I smile. It was a chapter in our lives that I can only describe as fun and carefree. Many days, I miss it. Many days, I look in the mirror and miss her and even miss him. We were different then. It was pre-career demands, pre-mortgage and bills, pre-who will handle our health insurance, pre-should we stain the deck this year, pre-what the hell is for dinner tonight and pre-who is on the next shift with a teething baby. Pre- all the stresses of “real adulthood” moments that seem to magnify when you start a family.

But, we always knew we wanted a family. He more than I most times. I went through a phase of, “I am a career girl.” I could not fathom how the two could mesh, a family and career (honestly, some days I still don’t understand). It was always he who pushed for a family, and he who patiently waited for it to finally happen.

The day the pregnancy test showed a positive sign, I cried. And, it was not happy tears. It was scared shitless, panic, omg how did this happen so fast tears. I hate to admit it but I went through a wave of emotions because I was so certain I was not ready. What had I done? What had we done? Will everything change?

Well everything did change.

There will be no sugarcoating here. Things changed even while Lo was growing inside me. Immediately, we began caring about someone other than ourselves and each other. Once Lo arrived, our little home was picked up, flipped upside down, twirled as if a giant held us within his palm and placed us back down.

Things were not easy. Some days it felt as if we were pushing each other a part while trying to fight to stay on the same page. It was a huge adjustment. Trying to live the same life, while managing the same stress, all while caring for a new person. Whew!

What I have learned over the past year, as a new parent, is that the foundation of parenthood is our marriage. And, even past that, through having a baby, marriage is really all about teamwork and partnership.

Tonight, as I was bathing Lo, it hit me. While some days he frustrates the living hell out of me and some days I whine that he just doesn’t get it, in reality he is the best teammate I could have asked for.

During the workweek, he picks-up Lo from the babysitter (AKA MiMi, AKA my mother) which allows me to work longer hours these days. By the time I arrive home he is prepping her dinner, which allows me to get in a few snuggles before I can start our dinner while he feeds her in her highchair. Once she is done eating either we trade off dinner prep while one or the other cleans-up and entertains Lo, before sitting down and eating together. I typically do bath duty next, while he does the dishes (he also reminds me daily of this). Once Lo is out of her bath and I am dressing her, he is usually a step behind with blanket, bottle and binkie and kisses while I move on to bedtime routine. Some nights I come out to him lazy on the couch and I want to scream because I just wrestled an alligator to sleep but most nights, actually a majority of nights, I come out to the kitchen cleaned up and I am free to pour a glass of wine and blog. 🙂 Thank you, dear hubby!

Then it is just a musical chairs of alternating turns caring for Lo until she finally falls asleep. Looking at each other while she screams from her bedroom, reassuring each other it is okay for her to cry another minute or two and then giving the nod when one says, “I will get her.”

I could go through the same routine for our mornings. Now through the night, well, Daddy could do some work. Ha!

But, my point is even when we are both so frustrated from a bad day at work, family drama, long commutes, whatever it may be, when we get home and are together, we tend to be a well-oiled machine. We can be screaming mad, throwing fighting words or just holding grudges and mildly speaking and we work together to care for Lo, our home and each other like we have the same brain. It is scary. It is teamwork. A true love in partnership.

And, it is far from perfect! Dear God knows our struggles. Some days we downright suck at being married to each other. Believe me. Although, the last 14 months I have learned so much about him and our marriage and his commitment to our marriage and our team. Just like players out on the field, all working together for one common goal, the win, so are we, together, play-by-play, in tandem.

So, back to ten years ago, when I think of us… he missing the gray on the side of his hairline and I definitely missing the signs of wear in the form of wrinkles around my eyes and forehead. Honestly, ten year ago Ashli and Nathan were thin and super tan. Well at least that is how I envision us dammit. Yes, we were carefree. Yes, we were balls of energy. Yes, we flew by the seats of our pants and were spontaneous, and yes, I miss those two young cats from time to time. Although, while we were fun we were also selfish. And, while we lived under the same roof and managed many of the same things we do today, we still roamed through life on our own schedules and with our own cares.

This team we have now, developed as we added players. 🙂 I know, cute huh?

One thing those two young, tan souls don’t or will ever have on these two, tired partners is the underlying care, understanding and love for each other that came with becoming a family. For that, for him, for Lo. I am so thankful for.

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