Tonight I missed you.
I had no intentions either. No plans for the emotional roller coaster that would take me on a tearful ride. But, I felt my stomach drop and a knot build in my throat as I carelessly scrolled though my Facebook wall. I merely was passing time. No real rhyme or reason. But, as I scrolled through my year, our year, the memories came rushing back.
My goodness what is wrong with me? Why am I so sad when you have made every day of my life since that very moment filled with so much joy?
And, you are my baby. I still think of you and look at you and see my baby.
But, in that moment when I stared at the picture of your newborn face, so perfect and so tiny, I realized just how much you have grown and I missed you. I missed your smell and tiny features and complete utter dependence on me. I missed the way you laid on my shoulder to sleep and your tiny little sounds. Call me completely crazy but I missed the newness of a newborn in our lives. I actually missed the fear and unknown – the what am I doing?
The reality is that you are no longer that newborn. The scary fact is that soon you won’t even be my infant but a toddler. And, while I adore watching you grow and get so excited to share and relish in your milestones and achievements, I realize you are growing and so quickly. I wished for you to roll from your back to your belly. I wished for your first crawl. I could not wait to hear you say “Momma” and “Dadda” and this week I Googled when and why you are not walking. Why have I been rushing you along when in this very moment I want to freeze time and make it stop?
I have never had this feeling before and I am sure other Momma’s will chime in and tell me to brace myself because it only gets worse. Before I let my mind race to time slipping away from me, I promise you I will embrace each and every moment and celebrate each new discovery and achievement along the way. But, be patient with me and know that while this was the first time I found tears streaming from my face, it won’t be the last. When I stop and see a picture from the past and feel these waves of emotions take over me it is because I realize we are growing and you my baby are growing before my eyes.
Regardless, when I look at you in this very moment, all I see is my baby and I am sure forever it will be that way.