I was 35 weeks the night I made my way to Labor and Delivery. I was scared. You were my first pregnancy and you were providing all the symptoms associated with early labor. All day at work I tried to hide the discomfort I felt, as lower back pain radiated to my belly and numbed my legs. In fact, twice that day I found myself in the bathroom, pacing, thinking “this baby is coming. I am not ready.”
I mustered the energy and composure to host a property tour of 14+ people. Walking the resort hoping my water did not break in front of a group of complete strangers. When it ended that afternoon I made my way, waddling, I completely agree with the description of a pregnant woman’s walk in her late trimester, and called my Doctor. “You need to go to Labor and Delivery.”
At 35 weeks the nurse thought I was just dehydrated but after some water and monitoring I was informed I was indeed having contractions as close as two to six minutes apart. You did not make your appearance though that night. Instead two more weeks passed. Some days the pain stayed the same; other days the pain intensified. Every day was different. One thing that remained the same… I knew you were ready to enter this world.
And, into the world you came, still early at 37 weeks.
It all happened so fast. My water broke just like the movies, which now makes me laugh, because in reading, only about 14% of women’s water breaks naturally. After a few for hours of labor, we found out a C-section was necessary. Looking back, I already find myself foggy on certain aspects of the night. Although, two moments are clearly embedded in my mind. Like looking through a blurry lens and watching everything come into perspective. The moment I first laid eyes on you as they revealed you to us from behind the curtain. Let me tell you now, it does exist… love at first sight. I also never knew tears like that existed. Tears that come from a portion of your heart that is tucked away, reserved for bliss. The second moment occurred when I first held you. Through the grogginess of surgery and medicines, my world stood still when I looked into your eyes. It was the first moment they locked, yet I felt like I had known you forever.
These first few weeks have been filled with so much emotion. Pure love, moments of frustration, immense joy and overwhelming exhaustion. As you experience your firsts in this world, so too am I.
Who knew you could hold a conversation with another human being without saying a word? Or develop this superhuman power of reading someone’s mind and mannerisms to know just what they need. Speaking of needs… it is the first time I have ever felt what it is like to truly be needed and the pride of meeting those needs.
Your milestones while small in scale to this big ol’ world are huge to me. The first time I realized you knew my or your daddy’s voice, watching you search for one of us speaking in a room and that smile, oh that sweet smile.
I have cried right alongside you. Rocking you. Praying for us both. Even muttering – “It is me and you, learning as we go. You have never been a baby before and I never a mother.” We always seem to get through though.
As a person who has always been on-the-go, you little one have allowed me to let go. It is the first time I have been okay with the piles of laundry at the foot of the bed and growing dishes in the sink. I don’t quite care as I allow you to sleep on my chest because being close to you is all that matters in this world.
I never understood living in the moment until you. It is the first time, the clock does not really matter. Time is just time. My day is based on you and your needs. No one else’s. It is also the first time I have felt selflessness win over selfishness.
We have accomplished a lot together these past weeks. Together we are learning and growing.
I prepared my whole pregnancy to welcome you into the world but what I did not prepare for was that it would actually be you welcoming me into the world. A world I did not know existed before you. A world full of so much more happiness and emotion. A world with fulfillment and purpose. A much, much, much better world.