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Backwards N High Heels

Balancing work and play while wearing many hats (I mean heels).

That is How Motherhood Works

October 6, 2018

This Is How Motherhood Works - Backwards N High Heels Blog

Sometimes I snap pictures of Lo just to capture the moment. It is pure instinct with no real in-depth meaning, but then I go back and I look through the camera roll on my phone, and I stop and I am in awe at the beauty before me. Those messy curls, those morning eyes, the tiny features of her nose and cheeks. She still looks little to me. She still feels small. Yet, when I scroll through my phone’s photos to last fall or the fall before that, I realize how quickly time moves and how much my little one has grown.

It is not for the faint of heart this motherhood thing. It shakes you, tires you, and rattles your core. The good indeed outweighs every bad. How could it not? Just look at her. I melt to a puddle every time I see her.

And one moment I could be scolding her for taking a pen to my painted white walls, telling her at her age she should know better and watching the little light and her head fall in shame. Yet, a minute later I find myself cuddled up to her on the couch rocking her, calming her, and feeling all the guilt of being so hard on her, run quietly through my veins.

That is how motherhood works.

There are days I indeed beg my husband for a much-needed break. A time to check-out of worrying about everything and managing our day-to-day. Just some hours alone to be one with me. Yet, when he willfully complies and even sometimes absolutely agrees and takes our daughter for some daddy/daughter time, I find myself alone, missing them, checking on her through texts to him, and cutting my time short just to be reunited with the lovely chaos of life with a three-year-old.

That is how motherhood works.

I celebrate her every milestone with pride and relief. She is at a point that she is becoming self-sufficient. She will tell me when she is hungry or thirsty, with no more guessing. She uses the potty on her own,  she will run in the bathroom and start her own bath, and if I am not quick enough, she will run with her bath towel wrapped around to her bedroom and put on her training pants and pj’s without my help. It has given me freedom. It has, should I dare say, made motherhood easier. Yet as baby number two’s due date nears, I find myself looking at her and yearning for her dependence. The days she really needed me and when I was constantly hands on.

That is how motherhood works.

And the nights, oh the nights. The nights when she can’t sleep unless she is tucked into our queen size bed, and like a magnet, laying up against me. Oh, I complain the next morning. My back hurts, my neck is stiff, I tossed and turned and nudged and moved her until the alarm forced me to my feet. Yet, when we try really hard to create a routine and talk up sleeping in her own bed and praise her the next morning for a full night across the hall, I feel a pang of longing for my messy haired baby to want me in the middle of the night and find her way to my arms.

That is how motherhood works.

It is the ultimate emotional pull. Take every emotion one may experience, throw them into a well-worn brown paper bag, shake it really hard, and open it up so the emotions come rolling one by one out into the world. That is motherhood.

I look at her now and the pictures of her then, and it hits me… time. Sweet, time. It is why motherhood works so very hard. Because we as mothers know that the saying is so true, that “the days are long but the years are short,” and as we check off another, we let a strand go.

It is the guilt, the sting, yet so much wonderfulness. It is a push when you want to pull. A no, then a sudden yes. It is boundaries and spontaneity. It is that bag of emotions spilling out that you rush around scooping up to place back in.

That is how motherhood works.

Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, Being A Mom, Being a Mom to you a Toddler, Family, Life With A Toddler, Mother and Daughter, Motherhood Stories, Parenting Advice, That is How Motherhood Works

PS – The Coffee Is Cold

August 12, 2018

PS-The-Coffee-Is-Cold
The last two weekend mornings I have rolled quietly out of bed in the early hours, adjusted the curtains so no sign of approaching sunrise sunshine can peek in and reveal the call of the morning, tippy-toed out of the room, and pulled the bedroom door closed. Why? Because for some time our three-year-old has been failing the “sleep in your own bed” nightly quiz and finding her way to our bed sometime between the welcoming hours of oh say – 2 or 3 am, each night.

This results in me tossing and turning and bracing myself for impact as I cuddle against the edge of our queen sized bed. I am not sleeping. And, with my growing pregnant belly, I am forced to get creative in how I find comfort.

So when 6 am rolls around, I have had it. I am spent. And my only saving grace is the thought of a hot cup of coffee, and some quiet alone time while Logan and Nathan sleep.

People, so far this weekend I am 0 for 2. I swear my toddler has a built-in magnet that connects her to my body or some weird internal radar that alerts her when I have exited the bed, specifically on Saturdays and Sundays. Yes, on those days the radar is particularly so strong. What I want to know is who the heck turns it on during weekends, because weekdays, she could give two cares less if her peaceful sleep is interrupting my need to get out the door and to work on time.

Both attempts this weekend for some alone time have included a successful cup of coffee being brewed. I have indeed cozied into the couch and took advantage of On Demand, to catch up on any TV show that does not include the words Mickey Mouse, Doc McStuffins, PJ Masks, or Fancy Nancy, but just as I settle in, I hear footsteps and the door open and the whine begin.

Usually, her first words are “get me some milk” or “turn on a girl’s show.” Good morning to you too, precious one. And from there the demands continue and pile up.

This morning within 30 minutes and all before 7 am, I had already canceled my On Demand, found a “girl” TV show, made her a cup of milk, put in a movie since the TV show was not quite jiving. There was a baby doll that needed dressed, a baby’s hair that needed to be combed, I got yelled at for tossing the baby on the couch and being miserable (I was). We cried because she wanted me to stop drinking my coffee to make “Daddy one” (even though Daddy was still sleeping). Bitter? Maybe. We needed a blanket. We cried for a popsicle. We settled for blueberries. We asked what our plans were. We spilled the blueberries all over the couch.

No wonder we feel depleted some days before the sun.

I love this little girl with my whole heart and soul. She brings me joy and fulfillment and every ounce of happiness one could, but for the love of all things magical, this tired Momma could use a Mommy timeout or break, or just an hour alone in the grocery store today. Anyone else picking up what I am putting down? Empathy please.

Cue the sappy violin music.

PS – Coffee turned cold.

1 Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, backwards n high heels blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Family, Life With A Toddler, Mom Life, Motherhood, Parenting

Today You Are Three

December 20, 2017


Today is the day my baby girl, turns three. THREE! Seriously, I still do not know how that possibly could be. I look at the clock now, and think back to three years ago today, when she came into this world three weeks too early, but right on time for me. My little Christmas baby and present. A joy and complete whirlwind arrival. I think of her tiny little fingers and nose and swear I can still smell her sweet newborn smell if I think really hard. And, while I very much find birthdays for myself exciting, for Lo, they are all too often bittersweet. She has grown. Another year down. And, yes, I am grateful and blessed for this past year, it is too nostalgic to really think how quickly time does pass and every moment and milestone you thought just would never come, has come and gone. But, instead of focusing on my pitiful sadness of watching my baby turn into a little lady, I celebrate her and the many joys she has brought to me.


Today you are three!

  • Your imagination and the wonder in your eyes. Watching you pretend play is like living every day in theatre. You are so committed to your imaginary world and bring us in with your stories and play.
  • Your uncanny ability to hear a song play once and then be able to sing the lyrics upon the second time it plays. I cannot tell you how many times your Dad and I have looked at each other, “Oh my goodness can you believe this?”
  • How when we say our nighttime prayers, after listing all our family, you pause, giggle and say, “And, waterparks.”
  • The fact that you can without certain, determine if I have heated your bottle to the perfect :35 seconds.
  • Your sense of adventure and exploration. A distinct characteristic you must have gotten from your father.
  • When you ask to eat at “Chic FOR Lay” 🙂
  • Your idea of a Saturday. Shopping! Girl, your father is going to be in trouble.
  • Your my cuddle bug, and I love when you curl up in my arms.
  • Speaking of that you are my baby cakes and honey bee and if I address you anything different you quickly remind me that those are your names.
  • When you take your little hands and squeeze our checks and announce, “I love you!”
  • Your obsession with the movie ELF this holiday season.
  • Your big blue eyes and bright smile.
  • Your giggles and laugh really are my favorite.

Today you are three! But, as I explained to you last night as I put you to sleep, while two is now gone, my sweet baby, you will always be. Remember, you promised!

Happy Birthday, our sweet girl. We adore you and love you.

Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, Family, Happy Birthday, Life With A Toddler, Motherhood, Parenting, Third Birthday, Today You Are Three

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Hi, I'm Ashli. Welcome to my little corner of the web!

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