10 Things 5 Years of Parenting has Taught Me

October 30, 2020

A few years ago, I wrote this post – 10 Things 2 Years of Parenting has Taught Me.

Somehow, I stumbled across it again, and smiled at the lessons I shared and the memories from when it was just us and one toddler in our home. In fact, the lesson – pizza can be a breakfast food, made me chuckle as just this morning we gave our son a strawberry popsicle to coax him into sitting still for a haircut. When my daughter saw me reaching into the freezer for the dessert, she asked, “Why does he get one and not me?”

“Heck! It’s Friday,” I exclaimed and I tossed her a popsicle as well. Which leads me to my first lesson…

Pick and Choose your Battles.
Tears over wanting to wear Crocs with a dress, needing the syrup to be BESIDE the pancakes and not on top, requesting that they paint their own toenails even though you know full well that also means their toes… my greatest advice is to pick and choose your battles. This does not mean giving in to your child every time they demand, bulk, or ask a request. It means, taking a deep breath, and giving up absolute control and the micromanagement of every aspect of their lives. It means allowing them the ability to make some decisions and giving them the grace when it isn’t exactly the way you would do something.
Your Car Will be Wrecked.
Yes! No matter how hard you try… your car will be wrecked. Even when you swear no food or drinks in the car – you will bend. In fact, it most likely will occur on a long road trip when you realize your options are to stop and get all the kids out to eat or just keep trucking and hit up a drive-thru. There will be sports equipment stored in the vehicle versus home, because if it isn’t the car, you know you will forget it. There will be snacks stored in every door pocket and under seats. There will be jackets, and toys, and eventually, you will learn to just accept that your car is an extension of a room in your home.
You Will Learn to Like Mornings.
Yes, kids still get up pretty early long after their newborn and toddler years. And, yes, there is something about a child’s internal clock that ticks quite early on Saturdays and Sundays. Even though you may rise with the sun, there is something nice and slow about mornings (particularly weekend mornings). I am talking about sleepy heads with bed head and the cutest jammies. Our kids crawl into our bed, and with a cartoon on the TV in the background, my husband and I close our eyelids and snuggle our babies, enjoying the routine of mornings.
Holiday Magic Returns.
Remember when you were a child and sat for what seemed liked forever flipping the pages of the JcPenny’s Holiday catalogue? I would carry it around until the edges of the pages curled and frayed from the constant touch of my hands. How about the excitement of Christmas Eve and the difficulty it took you to fall asleep in pure anticipation of Santa to arrive? As adults, those simplistic joys seem to fade, but children have a way of of reigniting the spark and suddenly, holidays become magical once again.
You Will say the Most Absurd Things.
“Don’t lick the concrete.”
“Please don’t put your diaper in the toilet.”
“Stop peeing on the floor!”
“No! That’s dog poop, not a rock.”

These are all statements my husband or I have made without even batting an eye at how absurd we sound.
Never say Never.
Before we had children, my husband and I would totally judge parents out at restaurants with children that were on phones or electronic devices. “When we have children, they will not have a phone at the table,” one of us would say. HaHa!

“What were we thinking?” we say to each other now as one of us loads ‘Baby Shark’ on Kids YouTube for one child, and the other uploads the Barbie Dreamhouse game on our phone for our other child.
The End of Your Work Day Actually Isn’t the End of Your ‘Work’ Day.
I typically get to clock out of my job around 4:00 pm. Since my husband has his own company, he typically works much later. Nonetheless, just because we walk out of the door of our places of work that does not mean our day is over. Far from it! I usually joke, ‘Well, I am starting my second shift,’ as I pick up the kids and head home for an evening of dinner, playtime, homework, baths, and the bedtime routine.
Children Have a Sixth Sense.
Whether its whispering to your spouse a room a way, or sneaking in an Oreo while making dinner, children have a sixth sense to know all and somehow see all. I am still not quite sure how they do it, or when we grow out of this amazing super power, but when they are little, they will in fact question any little white lie you throw their way.
Your Priorities will Change.
Children have a way of naturally making you realize and appreciate the things that truly matter in life. Suddenly, when the world feels chaotic and life seems too much to handle, you look at your children and realize everything you need and everything that matters, is them. Life with children means prioritizing what is most important and placing their interests before anything else, which also become your best interests. Life, while it feels crazier with kids, it also feels much more intentional and meaningful.
Take All the Pictures.
Have you heard the saying, ‘Don’t Blink.’ Of course you have. It doesn’t feel like the saying is true when you are in the thick of parenting. I can assure you that those first six weeks home with a newborn don’t feel like they are flying by. In fact, during those early weeks, I felt like the clock stood still. But there is also a saying which is, ‘The days will feel long, but the years will feel short,’ and that is when the sentiment, ‘Don’t Blink’ feels heavy. I look back over these five years and think, ‘where did the time go?’ and ‘how did it happen so fast?’ So, take all the pictures, and live in the moment, because time steals our youth and theirs so fast.

What I Mean When I Say, ‘I Hope to Raise you Right.”

September 15, 2018

When I found out I was having a girl back in 2014, the first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn’t believe it (that is a story for another day and the result of an ultrasound tech writing “It looks like a girl” on our printed sonogram) but secondly, I thought, “Oh, Lord, help me raise her right.”

I think that is a normal fear regardless if you are welcoming a boy or girl, or if you are a first time parent or bringing another child into this world. The truth is the “Oh, Lord, help me raise them right,” thought or ‘fear’ will follow you through life as a parent, not just during those pregnancy and newborn stages. However, raising them ‘right’ is up for interpretation and we can pour our hearts, souls, and well-being into our children as they enter each stage of their life, and yet, one day, in a moment, they will walk out of our home and be tested in the world.

So, dear child, while my hope always is to raise you ‘right,’ what I really mean is this…

Your best accessory is your smile. When you enter a room, acknowledge those around you with eye contact and a smile. It eases people and is a warm way to make a first impression.
You are beautiful but you are also more than that. We easily praise people on their looks but fail to compliment their brains, athletic ability, character, and heart, which amounts to so much more in value.
Treat everyone you meet with the same respect. Titles only matter on a business card. You can achieve just as much, if not more, than the person down the hall with a personal admin, sitting in a plush, shiny suite.
Always be honest. It is admirable. Even if the truth hurts you and others, at the end of the day, you answer to yourself and I pray you can always go to sleep with a conscious heart.
When all else fails, call your parents. No matter what, your biggest supporters in this life will be your ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad.’
Practice forgiveness and empathy. Too often we hold grudges and miss out on meaningful relationships because we can’t let go. Please, let go.
Treat yourself better than the people you love the most. That is not selfish, that is important. Your well-being is critical to your success and the love you project.
Perfection does not exist. Do not be fooled by what society pressures on you. Life is messy and unkind. Know that and you won’t be disappointed.
The smartest people in a room are the ones listening. Learn early in life that listening is a skill that does not come naturally, but if you excel at it, you are among the leaders.
Don’t burn bridges. Decisions will need to be made and some will not so easy, but always go about your actions and words by remembering that while this world feels big it is quite small, and you actually may never know who is standing on the other side of the bridge you just let burn.
There will come a point in your life when money actually doesn’t mean anything, but instead, your self-worth and contentment are more powerful and abundant than the zeros in a salary.
The adage of how you treat someone when no one is looking is exceptionally true. Strive to be the good the world is yearning for.
Stand up for what you believe, but more importantly remember that what you believe may not align with others and that is okay, I repeat okay. Respect others. Even if their beliefs are not the same as you.
Be silly and never take yourself too seriously. There is enough seriousness in this world.

And, while I will do my best to raise you the way I feel is ‘right’ and I know my work is never done, I also know one day I will transfer you to the world. From there my hope is my guidance and wisdom, lessons I have learned will stir and spiral somewhere in the depths of your soul, and subconsciously you will bring the world the grace, kindness, and love it so desperately needs.

Love you,

Your Momma.

I Wish For My Daughter

July 24, 2017

This past week we took a much, let me emphasize, much needed little family vacation. More to come on that later this week as I dive into some of our time spent in the Outer Banks. It was our first time visiting and it was quite lovely.

Over and over my little girl (in between meltdowns because let’s face it, life is not all it seems to be on a beautiful Instagram feed) would look at me with a huge grin and say, “Momma, I have fun.” It made my heart melt, actually, I would just melt into a puddle after that.

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10 Life Lessons I Learned From My Toddler

April 15, 2017

Mornings are hectic affairs in our house. Nathan leaves by 6:30 am anymore to get to the office, and I commute close to an hour for work. Our schedules have naturally created a toddler who rises with the sun. I am so jealous of my friends with kids that actually sleep in on the weekends. Sleeping in for us is 6:30 am, maybe 7 am, if we are super, super lucky.

I try to be pro-active to make morning chaos a little less overwhelming. I usually pack Lo’s clothes for the day the night before. Lay out a diaper, socks and shoes for transporting her from our home to my Mom, who bless her heart, is our daycare provider and gather all my work belongings, setting everything near the front door.

We are at a great age where Lo can entertain herself with toys while I get ready for work. As I did a final look over on the items that needed to head out the door with us, I called out to Lo asking her to come on. She obliged and when I turned to grab her and run out the door, the picture above is what greeted me at the end of the hall. My reaction was to quickly snatch all the accessories off of her but instead I stopped, I smiled and I laughed. “You look beautiful!”

“Like my necklace?” She asked.

My ideal of presentable nearly destroyed her proud moment, so thank goodness I hesitated, took a deep breath and decided to roll with Lo’s punches.

10 Life Lessons I Learned From My Toddler:

1 – Kindness matters.
Okay, who here watches the Sprout channel? Hands, hands? Kindness is a muscle? You know the song. Lo jumps and dances every time it comes on and sings along. There is a reason children’s entertainment is teaching our youth the value in caring and kindness. One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Now, re-read that again. Think about some of the biggest fights with your spouse, best friend, parent, sibling, co-worker. Do you remember the words? No. Not really, maybe a phrase or two. You cannot recount the dialogue but you can recount the anger , the heartache, the walking away and thinking, “things will never be the same.” I have had those moments and I have those memories. When we feel de-value, hurt and sadness, we remember and carry it with us. Life is about empathy and being kind is the greatest gift you can give to others.

2 – Life is not fair but it is still good.
No, life is not fair. We all learn this lesson one way or another and yet we learn this lesson time and time again. It is the lesson that keeps giving if you will. Lo’s example of not fair usually occurs in a grocery store when many eyes are upon us and she melts down when I tell her, “No” or remove the M&M’s from the grips of her small hands. She cries. Sometimes screams and slithers to the floor to pull a dead weight move on me, but by the time we are in the car and I turn on the Moana soundtrack, she is smiling, wiggling her body and singing to the beats. When we pull into our driveway, the unfair moment is a mere memory.

3 – Cry with someone, not alone.
When my two year old falls, tumbles climbing, runs into a wall, you name it, when those tears flow from her face and down her round cheeks, she never sits there alone. No, she comes running into the arms of someone nearby for comfort. It is a lesson we all should embrace. Life’s hardest moments are easier when we seek the love from others through words, prayers or just silent companionship. Don’t suffer through something alone.

4 – If you don’t ask you won’t get it.
“Mommy, can I get this?” As we walk the toy aisle. The answer is usually no but sometimes it is yes. “Mommy, ice cream?” Sometimes her question leads to a spontaneous moment like ice cream on the patio of an ice cream shop, just before dinner. In life, when you don’t ask the questions, you never know the answers. Sometimes opportunity will not present itself it you don’t make others know your wants, needs and intentions.

5 – Material possessions wont make you happy.
Christmas morning when all the gifts are open and wrapping paper lays across the living room floor, I looked over and she was stacking cardboard boxes that the toys came in. As the shiny new toys lay on the ground, she laughed throwing paper in the air. I feel like this is one life lesson you may all relate with the most. Our children are simple creatures. They find happiness in themselves, something we tend to lose as we become adults.

6 – Hard work pays off.
A newborn, infant and toddler are hardworking beings. Think about everything they must learn and master at such a young age. They learn to crawl before they walk and run and cry out before they babble and speak. Hard work truly pays off for our little kiddies. They handle learning and the “work” with ease. It comes so natural because there is no other way. It is true for us as adults too but the difference is we become lazy in the process. Hard work is the only way to succeed. Yes, luck exists but it is the one who believes and works hard that really prospers.

7 – Never stop learning.
This life lesson really plays off of the one mentioned before, but it is a life lesson, we measure as it relates to school. Learning does not need to mean classwork and enrollment in a trade school or college. Learning can mean reading a book or newspaper, attending a seminar or sitting down with an elder and asking questions and listening. I learn so much from my parents and grandparents alone. The person who seeks more in life through knowledge, is someone who knows and understands that to learn we morph and grow.

8 – Be honest.
Nothing is truer than the words spoken from a child. They hold nothing back and tell it like they mean it. How endearing of a quality? Honesty is a solid characteristic that adults seem to scamper from. We worry about what others will think of us through our honesty. I say own it. If you cannot take on more, say it. If you feel something in your gut, express it. When you want to take a chance, embrace it. Honesty leads to great and powerful things.

9 – Your attitude is everything.
My two year old is happy, carefree and excited about life, except for moments of exhaustion, when meltdowns occur, she is a pleasant child and a joy to be around. Your attitude is everything. The way you see your life and the world exists within your own mind. No one can change that for you.

10 – Live life without worrying what others think.
Seriously?! Look at this picture above. This wholeheartedly sums up this lesson. Walk out that door today in that bright purple coat and do not worry what people think. Cut and dye your hair in that style you have always wanted, go do that crazy thing you have been dreaming of, go out for dinner and drinks by yourself and meet someone new. Any crazy thing, little or small, that you ever wanted to do but felt the perception of others was holding you back. DO IT! Because guess what? At the end of the day when you are brushing your teeth and starring at that person in the mirror, the happiness train, well it only matters if you feel it inside.

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Thirty Lessons I Have Learned In My 30 Years

July 24, 2016

So, here is the thing… in a few short days, I will be celebrating a milestone birthday. 30. THIRTY. thirty. 3-0. The Big 30.

I am sort of okay with it and then other days (maybe most) pretty scared. What do I really have to be scared of? I know, right? I think it comes down to the annoying time clock that just keeps ticking away. I don’t feel old. I do not feel like my age defines me. However, I do feel like my twenties were a time of exploration and excuses. You can get away with more crap in your twenties. Why? Because it is you 20’s! They are meant for finding yourself and all aspects of your life. Finding a companion, finding your passion, finding a career path, finding friends, finding a place in this world. You could make mistakes, get dirty, screw up royally and at the end of the day still save yourself under the good graces of exploring. My fear is that when the clock ticks midnight and I officially age one-year, I have lost all of that.

When I was pregnant, I felt like every other blogger around me was too. Sharing details of their pregnancy, week by week changes (you know – my baby is the size of an avocado today!), nursery sneak peeks and birth stories. And, now that I am turning thirty, I am finding that again, many of the bloggers I follow are too turning the same age.

Thirty things to do before I turn 30 is what nearly every single blogger has shared. They have amazing lists that ranged from learning a second or even third language to taking a girls trip to Napa Valley. They had strong goals and used the turn of a decade to check off some dream items.

I, on the other hand, failed miserably at such an approach a year ago.

So, then I thought, once I was 30 days out I would cleverly borrow the idea and create a smaller, scaled down, more manageable version for myself and the Blog. Yep, you guessed it… I failed at that too.

Now, I am staring thirty in the eyes and before I line drive its neck, I thought I would take a different more, gasp – positive approach.

THIRTY LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 30 YEARS

That your parents are cool and can also be your best friends.
Oreos are amazing at 3 and at 30.
Money can actually be irrelevant!
Sending hand written thank you notes is incredibly meaningful and a lost art.
Family really is everything!
Sometimes all it takes is a change of perspective.
Not everyone has your best interest at heart. Learn that and learn to let them go.
Patience is a virtue. And, I have yet to accomplish.
Giving can provide the same great euphoria as receiving.
Sometimes all you need is ice cream, or a glass of wine, or both.
Yes, networking matters but sometimes life also comes down to luck!
Friendships after high school and college require diligent attention and effort.
There is 100% such a thing as “mom hair.” And, it was and is the messy bun I thought was cool in high school.
Sometimes a “boring life” is a blessed and good life!
Making homemade meatballs actually is not that hard.
Passing judgement truly just makes you an a-hole.
That my father was right when he told me on the first day of my first real job, “Contribute to a 401 K; one day you will thank me.” Thanks, Dad.
A title should never determine your self-worth.
A mother’s love is incredible, strong, ruthless and powerful.
Trust your gut!
Yes, backstabbers exist at 16, 21, 30, 40, 50 and so on.
Strive to not be happy but to be content.
Money can buy a lot of things but it cannot buy you class.
That drinking enough water, really is a legit thing.
That the dentist did not lie when he told you to floss daily. It too, is a legit thing.
Life is very much unfair but that doesn’t mean you should slack or make excuses.
You are in control of your destiny.
The sweetest words you will ever hear are your own child calling your name or saying “I love you.
The belief that you deserve everything you set your heart and mind to.
Loving yourself is a challenge but achievable.

As I quickly close in on the mile marker, I am reminded to refer to #10 above. Someone please pass me the pint of ice cream and a big ole’ glass of wine now. Like, right now! I promise myself I won’t eat and drink my way to 30 and through it. Instead, I will try to embrace the years, this life, the lessons and what is to come.

Here is to year 30, but more importantly to the thirty lessons I learned along this winding way.

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How The World’s Quietest Man, Taught Me The World’s Loudest Lessons

June 17, 2016

Father’s Day weekend is here and I thought it would be fitting to carve out some time and some space on the internet to honor my Dad. Although, it is kind of funny though, as my Dad really deep down despises the internet and social media because he can’t stand walking into a room and seeing his family, with their ‘noses all in their phones and faces down.’ As a marketing professional with a strong grasp on all things social media and digitally related, he still to this day, eight years into my career, cannot fully understand what I do or how it impacts business.

I have had countless conversations on what Twitter is versus Facebook and the definition of a ‘Tweet’ and how it all works. He knows I have this Blog but cannot fully grasp what a ‘Blog’ is or why I would ever spend my free time doing this. He has questioned why we (as in his family) are so obsessed with our phones, and then when I say, ‘This is the way the world now communicates with each other and businesses.” He scowls and explains, “Well, I don’t.”

It is ultimately funny that I sit here writing about communication when my father is a man of very little words. Let me repeat for you, very little words.

Growing up we knew no different, but I would be remiss if I didn’t share how I realized in elementary school just how little he spoke, when I would have sleepovers at friends’ houses. One girlfriend had a Dad who was always the life of our get-together. You knew it was her birthday party each year, as he would march through the house starting a Kongo line and yelling for us each to join in. Another friend’s Dad was such an integral part of her life, that he was the one we called in High School to pick us up outside dances and parties, and when we pilled in the car he would entertain and crack us up the whole way home.

My father was different.

We picked on him, and still do for his lack of words. With that said, I never questioned his love for me or involvement, because he showed his emotions through other means. When I would want to sit for hours with my Mom rehashing every detail of a major accomplishment, all I needed from Dad, was eye contact and a quick ‘proud of you’ and I was content. He attended every major high school football, soccer and basketball game… to watch me cheer on the sidelines. He made me learn to drive a stick shift and as I whined and pouted, “I cannot do this.” He gritted his teeth and yelled back, “Yes, you can.” Then on my 17th birthday, he woke me up extra early and said, ‘Let’s practice driving a manual again.” Only to lead me, from the passenger seat, to a local car dealership to test drive an automatic. Then as we pulled back in the dealership, he simply stated “Happy Birthday, Ashli.”

When I graduated from High School, I rushed around like an idiot trying to get ready for the big night so I could go meet my friends for a pre-ceremony celebration. As he tried to stop me multiple times in our home, I was too selfish to give the man who said so little any time of day. Then he slipped a piece of paper in my hand, and as I waited for my friends in a grocery store parking lot I cried like a baby at the hand written note he had given me, praising me and expressing his love.

My Dad had placed emphasis on me to be an architect, something to this day, I still regret not doing. Buying into his urging, we agreed I would attend the local college for one year and then transfer to the state university for Architectural school. When I fell in love with theater my freshman year of college, I unveiled my new plans to my Dad, on the stage of a state Beauty Pageant competition. As he sat in the crowd watching me, with a big button of my face, attached to his shirt, the announcer read the pre-submitted cue cards, in which mine stated, “A theatre major.” Shortly, after defeat and facing my father in the hotel hallway, he hugged me, kissed my forward, told me I should have won and quietly said, “theatre, huh?”

Then, when I fell in love and soon my wedding day starred us both in the face, he stayed in the background for pre-planning. Shining as the unsung hero who somehow was able to arrange a seating chart to accompany 175 people in a tiny red barn. As we lined up for the procession, and the violinist played softly in the background, I knew he sensed that I felt a bit faint and suddenly incoherent. I remember distinctly my father saying to the nearest bridesmaid, “Get her a glass of wine.” As, the bridal party walked out of the house and through the field to our wedding guests, we stayed back a moment longer. I sipped the wine and starred my father in the eyes. Little words. But a private moment I will always cherish.

I remember not to long ago someone said, “Your Dad does not speak much, but when he does, we all listen.”

I agreed, but while I always listened, I didn’t always appreciate. For that, I am sorry, Dad. But as I near 30 years old in August (Yikes!), I finally, finally do. My Dad has taught me the following about life.

America was built by hard working individuals, who made a lot of sacrifices in life for the betterment of others. Respect that and them, and more importantly honor that, by in turn giving your all every single day, always working hard.
Save your money! Gosh, I remember thinking I hated him for this. After ever birthday party, “Ebenezer Scrooge” would make a grand appearance, with a palm open. I would have to hand over any money I received as a gift and he would count it in front of me. Then promptly hand me back half. He would explain that the other half would go into my savings account he opened and would in turn be mine when I turned 18 years old. I remember crying. Screaming, “These are birthday gifts. You want the half of my Barbie too!” He really never argued back, more just walked away, but not without hearing me scream, “This is not fair!” (By the way, he kept his word, and at 18 years old, I received access to my account.) I miraculous, loved my father again!
Speaking of fair. He taught me just that… life is not and will never be fair. Learn it and accept it.
Sacrifice. With five kids, I sometimes to this day get mad at him for working so hard and sacrificing so much, and feel saddened that he truly doesn’t live. But, I am starting to believe that to him living means watching his five kids enjoy life and be happy.
Contribute to a 401k. Even if you make little to nothing and you think you need every dollar. Put something away for retirement.
That the best things in life are sweets! You can totally eat 12 cookies, a large piece of cake and a slice of pie in one seating! He does it all the time.
You can always get by in life with far less than you currently have.
You always, always have a choice in life. This was a recent, new, tough lesson from him. As tears rolled down my face over some tough decisions, he coldly told me, “You are not allowed to cry in front of me over this.” You are in control here. You have a choice.
Sometimes it is best to remain quiet. 🙂 That not everything needs your opinion.
And, finally his favorite line – “Accept what you can not change, change what you can not accept, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”

Powerful lessons from the man who would nod his head at the game scoring touchdown, vs leap off his stadium seat screaming. A man who bites his nail and mumbles a chuckle, while the rest of a room erupts in laughter over comic relief. A man who subtly tells you, “Drop the p,” when you hand him a card with “Grandpap” written on the front, to announce how he wants his first grandchild to address him.

You, see I grew up through this life with a man who spoke few words… but generated loud messages, loud lessons. It wasn’t until I became an adult and maybe even a parent that the weight of his quiet presence, all through my life, has been felt.

Thank you, Dad. Thank you for big lessons, tough love and your steady presence through my life. And, Happy Father’s Day!