I Failed At Parenting

January 10, 2017

It wasn’t until she laid there lips slightly puckered upward, those big round eyes closed with her naturally long lashes whispering against her face and her tiny baby hands clutched into fists that I watched and wondered her dreams. She was so peaceful. The home was so quiet. Her beauty so breathtaking that the clock had passed two minutes before I realized I had just sat there starring at her with a smile on my face.

A true genuine smile that slowly faded and a pang in my gut and an incredible sense of guilt overcame my body. I felt heartbroken in that instant. Heartbroken for my beauty as she rested her head on a big comfy pillow with her legs across mine.

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Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!

December 20, 2016

And, poof! Just like that, she is now two… TWO! Now seriously, Mr. Time, how does that happen? I am still baffled by this. I remember when I found out I was pregnant and 9 months seemed like an eternity. I felt like this little baby would be growing inside me forever, and then before I knew it I was in my second trimester, then 20 weeks, then 30 and then baby, all baby. And, now two?

Tears have been shed. My sweet girl is all smiles, attitude (yes, that happened) and giggling and laughing. Instead of trying to find the words to say, I put this little video together. I act like it is for her, but I know it is for me. I am celebrating her BIG life in our little world.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. It really is a better place since you came along.

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Two Sleeps

December 18, 2016

Two sleeps stand between you and two.

My heart bursts with pride and excitement; yet selfishly, I miss every single milestone that I anxiously wished away for you. Not because I hoped for this, but because us parents have a way of wanting to hit milestones and witness our children’s achievements. I can only imagine that veteran parents feel this same way as they witness their child walk across the stage to accept a diploma or walk down that beautiful flower lined aisle to say, “I do!” I understand that the magnitude of my example is quite possibly far more dramatic and impactful than each tiny victory you and I have celebrated, like graduating from rice cereal to baby food, weaning from a bottle, crawling then walking, learning new words and even this inevitable potty training. While in the big grand scheme of life, these achievements may seem minor, to you and I, they really have been huge.

And, yet I did like many other mommies warn in retrospect. They prepped me that time would fly. I don’t know why I did not listen. Maybe I thought I was exempt or maybe the daily grind was too much and I just felt I would be in this shirt stained, sleepless cycle forever.

Yet, two nights stand between you and the new number you so sweetly proclaim with those two tiny fingers.”Two!” I encouraged, as I bent your other three fingers down, practicing and practicing until you now do on your own.

You just absorb so much and our new norm is me watching you gain your independence and you partaking in every big or small success. Eating with a fork and opening your own cheese stick. You focus as you try to poke the straw into the ridiculously small juice box pouch hole, place toothpaste on your own toothbrush and dress yourself. Sometimes it is your pants that you are stretching onto your arms, but you are relentlessly trying. I hold you back for mere convenience of time, but mostly because I don’t want to let you go.

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The Third Voice

September 15, 2016

It is funny how loud our home has become.

Pattering of feet running hard across tile floors. The wheeling of a shopping cart buggy being pushed across the wooden planks that make up our back deck flooring. Squeals of delight as the music to Frozen starts up. Tears and tantrums. Oh the incredible tantrums. The call from one end of the home for “Mommy!” And, let me tell you one cry for Mommy will never do. It is “Mommy, Mommy… MOMMY!” Until I arrive.VIEW STORY »

We Are Hustlin

August 5, 2016

I dedicate this Blog to all the hustlers out there. Can I get a “whoop, whoop”?

No, but seriously, this is for all my ladies. Being a Mom is hard, tiring work.

I know, I know, being a Dad is too, please don’t private message me and comment that I am excluding fathers. I get it, but actually, in reality, I don’t, because I am Momma, so I am focusing this on motherhood.

If you asked me to describe my current situation it would be exhausted. I swear I am always exhausted. All day. Every day. I am frustrated and I am definitely lacking patience. Some days by 8:30 am, I feel like I have already given my all. Living out a 24-hour day when we have only been up for two hours. O.M.G.

Lo has reached the pre-terrible two’s, which I fully support is a legit thing. She throws herself into a back bend, when I open the car door to place her in her car seat. She lashes out and thrashes about. Digging the back of her head into the seat rest and scooting her body fast off the edge. I would imagine it looks like I am trying to wrangle an animal in the back seat of my car.

Right now “No.” Is her favorite, and may I add annoying choice word. It never is said once. It is usually accompanied by a “No, No, No, NOOOO!” So, it is super positive up in here.

We meltdown. Usually when Mom and / or Dad have not fed her on cue. Hangry is what it is and I know all about it because I personally suffer from it as well. Meltdowns can occur anywhere these days. And, usually it is in the most public places when you feel like every other human walking by is judging you and just watching how you will best handle.

I have one child. I get that when I complain about being tired, or exhausted (an extreme of tired), that the Mommies of multiples probably raise an eyebrow or roll eyes. I get having more than one child is another layer of motherhood that I know nothing about. My mommy friends with plus ones, probably talk about me not being able to hang or handle one. Heck, I myself question my ability for another child, when I feel as tired as I do with one.

Motherhood is a full-time, around the clock job. It is really that. We are working first, second and third shifts. Plus, handling all other responsibilities that existed pre-baby. We are hustlin.

I work full-time but really much more than a typical 40-hour work week. It is demanding and at many times, completely overwhelming.

Days begin super early and by the time I have disconnected myself from Lo and have transitioned into career woman mode, I feel as if I myself have been completely depleted. While I drive my hour commute to work, I try so hard to use the time to decompress and switch my mentality towards work and looming projects, but the reality is, when you are a mommy, it is something you cannot “turn off.”

In the workforce, there is an expression often used, “Leave your personal problems at home and focus on work.” I grew a child inside me for 9 months, I delivered a human, I live and breath her wants and needs, sometimes I cannot “turn it off.” When we started showing signs before the one-year mark of becoming mobile, I found myself daydreaming throughout the day of her taking her first steps without me (which she did). When we have had a sleepless night due to teething or a cold, I am either 1) sleep deprived or 2) wondering if she is napping or eating well for the sitter.

In the evenings, once I pick up Lo, sometimes I want to cry at the thought of not being able to “chill.” Especially if my day has been long and stressful. It is full-speed ahead until Lo finally crashes. There is dinner to be made, sometimes a trip to the grocery store for said dinner ingredients, a diaper bag to be packed, a bath to be had and a whole ritual of a bedtime routine. “Me time” which use to exist every night prior to Lo, is now nonexistent.

Recently, I asked a girlfriend if this exhaustion was normal or maybe I just suck at time management. Why do I feel like I am frustrated? She really put into perspective for me when she explained that as mothers we just have this innate need to handle everything. Work responsibilities, extended family needs, keeping the house tidy, meal planning, grocery runs, dinner prep, lunches packed, appointments scheduled, bills paid, and the list goes on.

We are hustlers. Our minds never stop. Once a child was born we developed a new sense for multitasking on both physical and mental levels. Super human if you will. You can be prepping dinner, drawing a bath, checking over a kid’s homework and pouring a glass of wine in two minutes top. It is like you can’t shut it off. And, the only time you do, is when you shut your eyes to sleep, but by golly, that is the moment your child screams out for you.

It is tiring. It is rewarding. I will say it again though, it is tiring. Some days I want to sleep. Some days just screaming will do. I know one thing, I am not alone. Too many good Mommas are too out there hustlin hard to provide for their families financially, emotionally, physically and often not described or said enough – lovingly.

So, while I will still complain because one day can seem harder than the next, I also send my love out there to you. Because I know you understand me and even most likely are feeling these same emotions too.

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You Are Bigger Than This Big World

July 3, 2016

I look around my yard, our little slice of mountain heaven. We live in a beautiful part of the country. Rolling hills, deep thick woods and views that we too often take for granted. I can jump in my car and be at one State Park in 15 minutes, or start from the opposite direction and be at another in 10. Actually, I could physically walk to the latter and tried once, but mentally freaked myself out over a bear and forced my husband to turn around and lead us home. And, you truly are a child of nature. Maybe you see the beauty more than I. Years of living in this same place, I rarely take it in anymore. Plus, my sights are on you. Watching your every move as you explore the only bit of the world you have ever really seen. It is quite coincidentally that you don’t yet know what is out there for you to explore, yet I tune it all out because all I see is you.

You are bigger than this big world.

I have turned down opportunities. I have set my sights on reality. I know our limits as a family. “Let’s take off and go to Key West for your 30th birthday,” a group of us discussed over drinks late one night. The phone has rang, and I have been approached with great opportunities in Florida and Texas. For a split second, my mind wonders. Sometimes, I think about what could be. But, then I look at you with your toys across the living room floor, and I think of our family who surrounds us and provides safety and you relationships, and I could never imagine anything more. Every decision this world presents, you are the deciding factor.

You are bigger than this big world.

Voices in my head. All of our heads. Society quick to judge us as parents. Your child must be in bed by 8 pm. The binkie and bottle should have been gone, like three months ago. Basically, I am sure your teeth are going to fall out. She is not climbing stairs without help yet? Gasp! Wait! Did you say bottle, does that mean you are still not breastfeeding? Does she come into your bed at night? You really need to engage in the crying it out method. It comes from your mom, your best friend, the media, social media friends, parenting magazine, this here Blog! Voices swirl around me as a parent – do this, not that, eat this, not that. The leading Pediatrician says this but the world’s leading psychologist says that. You know what? What do you need, honey? Tell, me! It has not always been easy. Especially, since you are my first, but I am so much better at this. Shutting the voices and opinions down and not worrying about how you compare to another child down the street or how you compare to children your age as a national average.

You are bigger than this big world.

When my work day has been long, mentally exhausting, when I worry about small details that at the end of the day drive no true results or get me anywhere. When I care to much about satisfying others than for standing up for what I believe. Suffocating my own voice. When I feel anxiety creep into my chest and sometimes my heart beats so big I feel like it could explode. I think of you. I grab my cell phone, I flip through your pictures. Does my heart still hurt? Yes, because now I miss you as I sit here at my desk. But, slowly my anxiety becomes controllable, and I think to myself, “This is what matters.” And, I gain a part of myself back.

You are bigger than this big world.

In a world where there is violence, hate, racism, misunderstanding and pure evil, I watch in horror, flipping through news stations hoping one will reveal answers over another. I have come to feel so much pain and reveal my own anger. How does this exist? Where have we (yes, we) gone wrong? Sometimes I think, “If the world is this bad now, how bad will it be for you when you are an adult?” What will be your big world?

You are bigger than this big world.

Don’t you ever forget that! When life is hard. When the cards are not dealt in your favor. On days or nights when you want to run home and crash into your bed crying. When you feel like giving up. When things feel overwhelming, unfair, unpleasant and unimaginable. Remember – You are bigger than this big world.

My hope as your mother is that this same outlook I have on you, my everything, you have for yourself, but so much bigger. That you realize that you can do anything, go anywhere, be anything and change things. While this big ol’ world can be scary. The unknown exists and is everywhere. You little lady are already, far bigger.

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