And Now You Are 16

July 31, 2018

The day you were born, I was 9 days shy of turning 16 myself. And today, as a mother, I look back and think, “How in the world did our Mom and Dad do it?”

Their oldest was worrying about what new jeans she would get from American Eagle for back-to-school attire, her impending Meet The Squad cheerleading performance, if and when she would be getting a car to go alongside her soon to be issued license, and how she was going to convince her tired (scratch that – exhausted) parents that even though a new baby was brought home, she really needed to go out with her friends for the weekend.

Meanwhile, there was this sweet new baby, fresh life, at home sleeping through the day and requiring feedings through the night.

I swear they had to look at me, then at you, back to me, back to you, and think, “Here we go again.” Or, maybe it was a “Dear Lord of all things mighty, what did we do!” I doubt it was the last one.

But you were the caboose. The last baby. The missing puzzle piece to our family. My first, and well-wished for sister. The plural to Mom and Dad being able to say they have daughters.

And now you are 16.

I swear I don’t know how it happened. (The whole you turning 16 part.) If I close my eyes really hard I swear I can catch glimpses of you through the years of your youth.

The happy, bashful baby who would bury her head in my shoulder when excited after bouncing on my knees. The cuddly toddler who would by nightfall, nuzzle into my arms, finding her spot, to sleep. The little girl who inherited my box full of Barbies and giddily played in the middle of the living room floor bringing a new life to old toys. The shy middle schooler who earned her right of passage by battling the awkward phases, while keeping a lot to herself as she gauged her way through the halls and her world.

And now you are 16 and a beautiful young lady who stands before me.

Time moves fast. It can be so unforgiving and so unkind. Especially when you turn around one day and realize what just passed before your very eyes. Time brings mommas and daddies to their knees to cry. Become a mother one day and you too will realize this precious gift called time, which leaves you longing for a day to end yet begging for it to be given back. And, leave it to big sisters too, for time makes us a little weepy eyed as well.

Watching you grow up seemed like we had forever and yet now you are 16.

In fact, I swore we had forever, promise me we still have forever. I swore you would never grow up, promise me you won’t grow up. I swore you would always be my baby, promise me you will always be my baby.

And now that you are 16 know how much you bring to my life, to our lives. Know that you are a blessing to this world. Know that you have this same world before you and can do anything you set yourself up to do. Know that you can believe in yourself more than others believe in you. Know that you have a team of people who love you and are cheering you on. Know that just because you are now 16, we need you as much today as the day you were born.

Happy Birthday, Livvy Lou, I still cannot believe it, but happy sweet 16.

Two Sleeps

December 18, 2016

Two sleeps stand between you and two.

My heart bursts with pride and excitement; yet selfishly, I miss every single milestone that I anxiously wished away for you. Not because I hoped for this, but because us parents have a way of wanting to hit milestones and witness our children’s achievements. I can only imagine that veteran parents feel this same way as they witness their child walk across the stage to accept a diploma or walk down that beautiful flower lined aisle to say, “I do!” I understand that the magnitude of my example is quite possibly far more dramatic and impactful than each tiny victory you and I have celebrated, like graduating from rice cereal to baby food, weaning from a bottle, crawling then walking, learning new words and even this inevitable potty training. While in the big grand scheme of life, these achievements may seem minor, to you and I, they really have been huge.

And, yet I did like many other mommies warn in retrospect. They prepped me that time would fly. I don’t know why I did not listen. Maybe I thought I was exempt or maybe the daily grind was too much and I just felt I would be in this shirt stained, sleepless cycle forever.

Yet, two nights stand between you and the new number you so sweetly proclaim with those two tiny fingers.”Two!” I encouraged, as I bent your other three fingers down, practicing and practicing until you now do on your own.

You just absorb so much and our new norm is me watching you gain your independence and you partaking in every big or small success. Eating with a fork and opening your own cheese stick. You focus as you try to poke the straw into the ridiculously small juice box pouch hole, place toothpaste on your own toothbrush and dress yourself. Sometimes it is your pants that you are stretching onto your arms, but you are relentlessly trying. I hold you back for mere convenience of time, but mostly because I don’t want to let you go.

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Rocking Cinderella

December 19, 2015

My emotions are high. Sadness and happiness all entangled into one massive ball that sits high in my chest. I look at you and I am overwhelmed and blessed, yet at the very same moment, I feel this heaviness as if I am missing you already. How is that possible?

This year has been the longest and quickest year of my entire life. Becoming a Mom, your Mom, has been my greatest achievement. Hurdle after hurdle on so many levels, yet at the end of every long day, there you have been, allowing my exhausted mind and body to bask in your glory.

Today, on the eve of your very first birthday, I had many instances were I missed out on you in the moment because I was reminiscing on the past year. How have you gone from settled in the elbow of one arm to spread out across my upper body as you lay across my chest? How did you go from relying on me and my body to feed your little tummy to wanting bits of cheese and even french fries across your highchair plate? How has bath time which once occurred on our dining room table with a washcloth and bowl, turned into a full fledged soak down in our bathroom? How in the heck, in all this madness, has 12 months, 365 days, 1 year flashed before your and my eyes?

Today I rocked Cinderella.

I held onto you tight. The clock today has been a countdown to midnight.

As I rocked you for your morning nap, fought you for your afternoon and sneaked you into my room (outside of our bedtime routine) to put you down tonight, all I kept thinking about was how at the stroke of midnight your infant phase will be part of our past.

All day long I felt like I took mental snapshots of our moments, as if when December 20, 2015 officially occurs you and I will be someone else. Like the Prince searching for the Princess at the ball, I will be searching tomorrow morning for my baby girl.

The thing with time is that it happens before your eyes and so fast. In the moment everything seems the same. It is not until you take a step back and look back that you see how much time has passed. How much change has occurred. Just how far you, we, have come.

Every day with you gets better. While I hold you tight not wanting to let go, at the very same moment I am enjoying your growth. You see, Cinderella, at one point holding your day old self, tight against my chest, in the wee hours of the night, seemed like a fairy tale. Although, the other night, watching you gleefully giggle at our Christmas Tree lights and play with your Daddy and I, well I thought, now this is the fairy tale I envisioned for our little family.

As this Eve comes to a close, and your birthday is just around the arms of a clock, I continue to learn lessons through being your Mom. Rocking Cinderella this evening, I learned a very important parenting lesson and that is letting go. While I allowed my emotions to get the best of me on a few occasions today as I thought about losing this “infant” stage, you are still my baby (regardless of your age) and maybe what I thought were our best days, well, they may not even compare to what is yet to come.

Happy Birthday Eve my beautiful little princess.

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