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Backwards N High Heels

Balancing work and play while wearing many hats (I mean heels).

Do you believe in angels?

January 22, 2020

I have shared in past blog posts and through stories on my Facebook Page, inquisitive questions asked by my young daughter, Logan, especially regarding heaven and the afterlife. I think the loss of my grandmother in 2018, left an imprint on her mental capacity to discuss death and heaven.

My grandmother was a very integral part of our life. She died too young in my humble opinion. At only 76, I felt she had so many more years to live. However, she suffered some health setbacks in 2012, and from that point forward her health declined. Still not at the shocking pace to leave her suddenly in the hospital with staff telling us everything was failing, but at a pace that required my mother to step in and provide in-house care on a daily basis for many years.

Given that my mother was also my daughter’s listed “daycare” through the workweek, Logan spent more time with her great grandmother than most children typically do. For those days and years, I am grateful. Because of that, her death was sudden not only for us but for a little girl use to seeing her great grandmother day after day.

We never sugarcoated my grandmother’s passing with Logan. We sat her down and told her Meema got sick, died, and is now in Heaven with God.

She didn’t attend any funeral services. That we did indeed shelter her from, but she has visited her gravesite with both me and alone with my Mom.

I share all this because she talks openly about Heaven, and Jesus, and death, and the afterlife. So when she asks about angels, I tell her they live among us. Her Meema is an angel, her paternal great grandfather, ‘Big Pap,’ who Luke was named after, and she never met, is an angel, and her extended family members that are no longer here among us, they too are in Heaven with God.

She smiles and goes about her day.

I don’t question these things that I tell my child, but as an adult with a different set of reality and perspective on life, I look harder than she does. I find myself wanting a sign to validate the things I say. I wonder if when we say, “Our loved ones are near or looking down,” is this really the case. And, not because I do not believe, but because I so badly want to believe.

If you read back through some of my writing you will learn that a red cardinal appeared days before my grandmother died, tapping on my window. The morning of her funeral service, a red cardinal crashed into that same window when in a fit of tears cried out for a sign she was near. And those incidents, signs, or whatever you call them have continued nearly two years after her death.

We are in the thick of a heavy remodel at our home. Our kitchen, living room, and dining room, are tore apart and covered in a dusty mess. Our other rooms contain all the possessions of the rooms ripped apart.

Home alone with both kids, I had just laid Luke down for a nap and Logan was basking in the glory of screentime on the iPad, while I packed up kitchen cabinet belongings into cardboard boxes and loaded our dishwasher for another round of power cleaning.

There were dishes to do, more boxes to be carried to the shed, and laundry to start.

I had just loaded an empty baby diaper box with Tupperware and some glass dishes, including the large mixing/measuring bowl I snagged from my grandmother’s home after she died.

With a kitchen torn apart and tools across the counters, I sat the box on top of the stove.

I thought about running to the basement to work on some laundry, leaving the kids – one sleeping, one nearby in her bed playing a game, but something in the sink caught my eye, and I decided to start the dish load before venturing downstairs.

In those split seconds of mental debate, I smelled it.

It was a hot smell. Strong smoke. I distinctly knew something was burning.

When I turned, the box that I had placed on the stove, less than a minute prior, had caught fire, and thick gray smoke billowed from the top of the box, which I had makeshift sealed shut.

In a hurry, without thinking too much of the consequences, I grabbed the box, opened the backdoor and threw it outside.

Somehow when I placed the box on the cold stovetop, I must have bumped a nob and turned the back left burner on high. It caught the cardboard box on fire, melting the Tupperware inside, and searing some of the glass with an orangish stain.

My grandmother’s mixing/measuring bowl, untouched.

I was a bit distraught by the quickness of the events and even more sick to my stomach on what would have happened if, in that split second of subconscious decision making, I had chosen to go downstairs to work on laundry.

My whole kitchen would have ignited most likely in just a few minutes.

I called my Mom. Because that is what I do in such situations. I always call my Mom.

“Someone was looking out for me and the kids today,” I stated.

When I got off the phone, I heard a BANG on my backdoor window.

There it was – the red cardinal.

I hadn’t seen the bird in months, and within minutes from the ordeal, and after stating out loud that someone was watching over me, the bird had appeared.

I quickly grabbed my phone and captured this video.

You can even see the cardboard box, which had lost most of its bottom from catching on fire, sitting there on my deck.

“Where are the angels?” My daughter asks.

Well, they are here. I like to imagine…

they sat at the edge of the bed as I laid awake at 3 am in a freet of worry.
they stood watchful in the doorway when my baby’s fever entered uncharted territory.
they caught my wandering attention when the car in front of me suddenly stopped.
they walked the hallway of the hospital as my bed was wheeled to the operating room for my c-section.

And, maybe they shine like the sun, a light hitting the glass in the sink, drawing my attention to stay, so I don’t walk away from what would have been a dangerous disaster if that box had sat more than 30 seconds longer on my hot stove.

Was it a coincidence the cardinal appeared so soon? Maybe. Although, I believe in God, Heaven, and my angels, what I search for is the sign, and I choose to believe it was just the sign I needed to know they are indeed near.

2 Comments CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Angels, Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, BackwardsNHighHeels, Dealing With Death, Grief, Stories of Hope

My 2020 Intentions

January 3, 2020

Sharing my New Year's Intentions

I know, it is no longer New Year’s eve or day. And with that, I also understand that resolutions and self-proclamations of what the changing year means to me or what I will set forth practicing are now a few days late.

Given the content of this post, you may think it was intentional for me to share these thoughts with you after the fact, but I can assure you that it was not the case.

The reality is, it actually makes me quite sad to see the pressure we put on ourselves just because it is a new year.

Yes, the new year can symbolize a fresh start and clean slate, but it can also create extreme strain to make ourselves better for the wrong reasons. And that stresses me out more than not having a resolution.

Speaking of resolutions, I don’t have one, and I have not practiced having one for many years. Instead, my perspective has shifted on setting intentions. Gone are the days of creating a resolution for the sake of one and failing miserably by mid-January. I like intentions because they are by definition a plan. Things will change, just as plans do. The idea is that I will focus on change in a kind and loving way, which allows me the grace in case I fail along the way.

This year my intentions are as follows:

  • Be kinder. Maybe it is picking up a coffee for the person next to me in line, or in the manner in which I communicate with my children. It could be taking a moment and making a conscious effort to comment positively on a post someone shared on their social media or trying to practice empathy when dealing with others.
  • Listen to the God whispers. Have you ever had a nagging to do something for a stranger? Or possibly compliment the person sitting next to you at an appointment? Or maybe there is a constant calling that keeps you awake at night or may even be the thing that nudges you out of bed each morning. I call these God whispers and I want to make an effort to listen intently and act responsibly.
  • Simplify. We accumulate stuff in all aspects of our life. My closets are full of things. I have old purses that need to be cleaned. My email has over 300+ unread emails. I follow way too many people on my social media that don’t bring value or joy to my day. All of this stuff is unnecessary noise. I want to clear the clutter and strip myself of all the junk that weighs me down.
  • Stop putting myself last. How can we be our best to others if we are not our best for ourselves? I say this intent with the least amount of selfishness one possibly can. I need to start listening to my body and relax when it calls me to. I need to start feeling my emotions and taking a moment to breathe and meditate when I feel overwhelmed. I need to make my passions more of a priority so I can experience the joys that make me happy. I need to allow myself the grace to feel like I am as important as those I care for.
  • Start living. I know that sounds strange to read because it felt odd to write but ever since becoming a mom all I have done is go, go, go. For years I have been on the move, bouncing from one thing to the next, feeling the need to accomplish a task and then set my mind on what is next. I want to slow down and live. I need to stop cramming my life into the weekends which makes them extra busy and crazy. I want to put the phone down, slow down, and focus my head and attention to the present, living in the moment, and enjoying the beauty of life.

May God bless you all in 2020, and may you each take a moment to embrace this natural season of change with less pressure and more grace.

2 Comments CATEGORIES // Family, Lifestyle TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, backwards n high heels blog, New Year, New Year's Eve, Self Care

I Remember Everything About One Year Ago Today

April 11, 2019

My hair was long, loosely curled, my gold-rimmed sunglasses sat on top of my head. I donned a denim button-up top, paired with my favorite white skinny jeans, and the leopard print Sperry sneakers that always cut into the top of my foot, but I wear them anyways.

My mother and I spilled into the lobby carrying on our conversation and laughter after a three-hour car ride together. We took our time finding a bathroom and I even treated myself to a white mocha at the coffee shop that served Starbucks to guests just inside the hospital.

I followed my mother who had been there days before to the elevator, which opened into a large sitting area with huge floor-to-ceiling windows, we cut to the left, made a right, and walked down the hall, and into her room.

I remember everything about one year ago today.

It was a chaotic greeting. One that we didn’t expect. There were nurses and a doctor. There were beeping sounds and she was fighting. Wanting to sit up, wanting to take the oxygen mask off, wanting to see a friendly face I had hoped, and maybe even wanting to understand.

I took one sip of that coffee before it sat near the window in her hospital room and there it remained.

Our world was flipped within minutes of greeting her. Just hours before, my Mom and I discussed the steps it would take to bring my grandmother closer to home for healthcare. My mom could be closer to her, and provide frequent and constant care. We didn’t know her body was failing. We didn’t expect the doctor to so blatantly tell us her state was unfix-able. We didn’t plan for that day to turn so hopeless.

I am pretty sure the initial doctor’s words and explanation of the dire situation at hand sank into a reality for me before they did my mother. Looking back it was like slow motion watching everyone in the room swirl around me as I looked at my grandmother in her bed, and watched my mother trying to process the words from the staff.

I felt sick. There was an immediate wave of nauseousness and I was scared to touch her, fearful that my touch may cause pain or propel something terrible to happen to her body.

But then, I looked at her hands. Her beautiful, tiny, soft hands. They were the hands that rocked me as a baby. The hands that scratched my back as I laid across her lap as a child. The hands that mixed the world’s best potato salad. The hands that buckled me in the car on weekend drives. The hands that wiped my tears when I poured out my problems. The hands that squeezed mine on my wedding day.

In the scariness of the room, the beeping of unknown machines, the conversations between the nurses, the various cords that hung from machines and draped across her body, it was her hands that I reached for and squeezed.

April 11, 2018, was the last day I touched those hands, looked into her eyes, whispered ‘I love you,’ kissed her rosy cheeks, and the last time I saw her alive to say ‘goodbye.’

I knew walking out of the hospital that day I would never again see the woman who I had loved so much, who had raised me like a second mom, and who I had admired since a little girl.

And, I wanted to say ‘I love you’ again. Just once more. Even after the painful goodbye and walk away, I contemplated running back to her and doing it all again.

But the sun was shining, the sky was blue, and big white puffy clouds waved to us as we sat numb in our car before driving away.

I remember everything about one year ago today.

Some days it feels like she left us yesterday, especially when I feel the sudden urge to call her and suddenly remember she is gone. Other moments, these 365 days feel more like years that we have been a part.

I remember everything about one year ago today, and I remember everything about her.

It is hard to forget someone so special and someone who impacted your life the way she did mine.

I never imagined life without her in it. In fact, I was naive enough not to think about what it would be like with her gone.

But here I stand. 365 days since I last saw her physically on this Earth, and while the pain from remembering everything about one year ago today lives on in my heart and head, I pray to never ever forget anything about her.

2 Comments CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, BackwardsNHighHeels, Death, Faith, Losing a Grandparent

Hospital Must-Haves: Packing for Baby

March 25, 2019

*This post includes affiliate links, which means I may make a small commission off of your clicks and purchases. It is an easy way for you to support my blog.

Hey, friends. How ya been doing? It has been a gosh darn delay between posts. Two little ones at home all day will do that to a Momma, this Momma none the less. I really envisioned my time off with these two filled with some great down time to write. HOLD ON, while I go lock myself in my bathroom and laugh. Speaking of locking one’s self in a bathroom, I have tried this method to escape the parenting madness and newsflash… they will find you!

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Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family, Lifestyle TAGGED: Baby, Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Hospital Bag Essentials, Hospital Bag Must Haves, Motherhood, Newborn, Parenting, What to Pack for Baby, What To Pack in Your Hospital Bag

Easter Basket Ideas for Kids

March 11, 2019

*This post contains affiliate links. That means I may make a small commission when you click and/or buy from my links. This is no cost to you. I appreciate the support and business.

Easter falls later this year, April 21, 2019. It always seems that when the holiday hits later in Spring, I suddenly feel like it has snuck up on me versus when it falls earlier. I know, that is counter-intuitive, but I think the late date makes me believe I have all the time in the world when the reality is I absolutely procrastinate. Not this year, Karen, not this year.

This holiday season we will have two babies, and before you get all, “Whoa, your hands are super full?!” Eye roll, sip your latte, eye roll – I indeed do.

The transition from one child to two has been hard on me. I am unsure if it is natural (although, I seem to hear this similar sentiment from fellow moms), or if the four years with one child spoiled me, or if this never-ending winter/cold/flu season has crushed my soul, either way, it has been all hands on deck.

So with this awareness, I am planning ahead and kicking procrastination in the butt. Plus, I literally have Amazon arrive every other day since I am ordering diapers, wipes, laundry detergent, kitchen sponges, etc, on the fly. It is so easy!

Easter Basket Ideas for Baby Boy. Gift guide ideas include a bunny onesie, carrot teether, bunny pacifier, and bibs.

Onesie | Carrot Blanket | ‘My First Easter Basket’ Play Set | Carrot Rattle | Bunny Book | Graduate Puffs | Bunny Pacifier | Bibs

Easter Basket Ideas for Toddler Girls. Gift ideas include rain boots, book bag swimsuit, and pool tube.

Hunter Boots | Book | Swimsuit | Inflatable Pool Tube |Cuddle + Kind Bunny | Bunny Book Bag | Egg Chalk | Bath Crayons

Did you enjoy this post? You may also enjoy these.
– 5- Non-Candy Easter Gift Ideas Under $50
– Creative Easter Basket Ideas
– Easter Basket Ideas for Toddler Girls

Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family, Lifestyle TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Easter, Easter Basket Gift Guide, Easter Basket Ideas, Gift Guide

If You Give A Mom A Baby

February 28, 2019

Cartoon Mom holding a cup of coffee

If you give a mom a baby, she’s going to ask for a cup of hot coffee.

When you give her the cup of hot coffee, she will probably take one sip, then set it down on the counter.

She will set it down because the baby will start to cry so she will ask for the baby’s pacifier.

Then she will want to walk around the house bouncing and shushing the baby.

She will probably walk by a mirror.

When she looks in the mirror, she might notice her hair hasn’t been washed in four days, so she will probably ask for a hair tie.

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1 Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Mom Blog, Mom Humor, Parenting, Parents of Little Ones, Parody

Dear Loves, Do You Realize

February 14, 2019

Dear Mom,

Do you realize you were the first person in this word to love me? From the moment you learned I was just a tiny something growing in your belly, you were the very first person to open your heart and carve a place for me to live. You loved me before you even set your eyes on me. You loved me unconditionally before knowing who I would become. It was an immediate love. Your love has been my foundation as a human. It taught me to trust and how to eventually mimic when one day I would too become a mom.

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Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Family, Love, Loves of our life, Motherhood, Valentines, Valentines Day

There was a Hello After a Goodbye

February 5, 2019

It was just six hours from midnight, from the infamous ball drop, from a New Year’s kiss, from the start of something new. We had company at our house, but my body didn’t care. Instead, I often excused myself to nervously pace the hallway and bedroom floor, timing my contractions to four to five minutes.

We joked about a New Year’s baby and our faces plastered on the front page of our local paper. By eight o’clock, the timing entered the two to three minute arena, and after a quick call to Labor and Delivery, our guests were wishing us the best as I grabbed our hospital bag.

I was scared but also excited and the magic of, we “are going to have a baby” floated in the air.

The car ride to the hospital was quiet. I squeezed my husband’s hand and breathed through each contraction feeling a sense of Déjà vu.

It was exactly one year ago, minus one day that my husband and I made that same drive. We drove along the same highway, passed the same winding river, took the same exit, and anxiously pulled into the same ER.

One year prior, the car was just as quiet, our hands locked together in a similar manner, and I breathed heavy but this time fear was the emotion.

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3 Comments CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Faith, Family, Miscarriage, Rainbow Baby

Beautiful Trenches

February 1, 2019

It was a hectic morning. Top five most stressful since our son Luke was born a month ago. Not the worse ever but enough stress and madness for me to chalk it up as a top five.

The truth is, the morning started in my favor. My husband delivered a hot cup of coffee to me as I remained in bed. Luke laid in a scrunched up ball on my chest soundly sleeping, and my daughter was tucked up against me with her blanket. The three of us were lazy as the snow fell outside my bedroom window creating a beautiful winter scene.

Fifteen minutes later, my daughter was impatiently ready to hit the ground running and suddenly my sleeping son began to cry, and the crying didn’t stop.

I felt like I was teetering between two worlds. One moment motherhood felt almost romantic with euphoric highs and in a split second, I was left feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotional over our current reality.

The newness of two children is still an adjustment. Trying to juggle these little beings, our home, my marriage, and my well-being leaves me even more exhausted than the current weeks of sleep deprivation.

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Leave a Comment CATEGORIES // Family TAGGED: A, Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, Backwards N High Heels Lifestyle Blog, BackwardsNHighHeels, Beautiful Trenches, Faith, Family, Motherhood, Newborn

Baby Nursery Reveal

January 29, 2019

*This post contains affiliate links. That means when you click and shop, I may make a small commission. Your support is appreciated.

We have a new little scrumptious baby to love on. Our son, Luke was born a few weeks ago and I while I will wait on his newborn pictures to share details on his arrival, I wanted to share a peek inside his nursery space.

I knew exactly what I didn’t want for this space more than what I wanted for some time. I knew I didn’t want the typical baby boy is arriving blue. I also didn’t want any characters, or strong boy ties like hunting, fishing, sports, or cars themes. Instead, I wanted a space that was peaceful and calm with neutral colors and soft textures.

After some design scrolling on Pinterest and through Project Nursery, I decided on the gray and white color scheme. It felt relaxed, clean, and calm. You know, three words that do not typically describe little boys!

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2 Comments CATEGORIES // Family, Lifestyle TAGGED: Backwards In High Heels, Backwards N High Heels, BackwardsNHighHeels, Boys Room, Design, Home Style, Nursery

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Hi, I'm Ashli. Welcome to my little corner of the web!

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Backwards N High Heels is a for-profit blog. Some of the links on this site are affiliate links meaning I may earn a commission through clicks or purchases made using that link. Every photo on this site is protected under a copyright, therefore it is illegal to use anywhere without written permission from me.

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