Let’s just cut to the chase, you are called a “Binkie” in our home, so Binkie you shall remain and be referred to through this post. Okay, now that we cleared that up, you and I have a love / hate relationship right now.
It all began when Lo was a mere few hours old. For some unknown reason, I was scared of you. Afraid, she would become addicted to your power. Sitting there holding my day old baby and all I could think of was her at four running through the yard, I chasing after her, trying to coax you from her mouth.
After crying and rejecting milk, my bounce or the knuckle of my finger the nurse said, “Here, try the pacifier.” I looked at her with a blank stare, my mind racing to, “You mean you won’t judge me?”
After a few tries, Lo took to you and the rest is history!
But, now that Lo is approaching two. I feel slight anxiety of her reliance on you, and even more scared of mine.
I love you when I need you. Like when Lo girl is screaming like a banshee or throwing a complete tantrum in the middle of the grocery store check out aisle. You always save me. As her screams grow louder, I frantically search for you through my incredibly cluttered purse, as well-put together mothers stare at me like lions ready to pounce on prey. “What is she going to do?” their eyes say. But once I spot you, it is instant relief because I know all too well that you hold the magic. By the way those mothers… they must have Nanny’s!
Car rides, oh, long car rides that require just enough time to make my very active toddler lose her little mind. And, at 2:00 a.m. when Nathan and I mean nothing but you hold all the soothing power one would want or need. It is you who yet again has saved our days.
But this is where the hate from the love / hate relationship comes in. You see at 2:00 am, when she has tossed you either in her sleep or in a fit of rage to utter mess with my mind. I find myself on my hands and knees looking for you. Then is when I curse you and I want to scream. Why the hell do you bounce? Do you know how bad I scream inside when I drop you in the dark? Sometimes in those moments I swear you have little centipede legs and scurry across the bedroom floor and land in the corner of the room under the dresser, to just make me less dependent on you. The other morning, I actually searched all through this house for one of you, and yes one of you because while I think at one point we had 10, there only ever seems to be one when we need you most. As I searched, I actually caught myself calling for you. I hit an all time low.
When we first met, I boiled you on a regular basis. If I dropped you on a floor, whether it was in a gas station or on my just mopped kitchen tile, I placed you in a “safe” location for cleaning. But as time progressed and we became more acquainted, a quick plop in my own mouth, dip in a cup of water or even rub across my jeans and I deem you ‘clean.’
So, why am I writing you this letter? Well we have known each other for 20 months. You have performed well through those months. My imaginative daughter calls you out like you are a true friend, and I look at you and realize soon we need to part ways.
Visions of messed up teeth now float through my head and I realize we are reaching the point in this road where we must wean. Lo is going to have to learn to sooth without you. I am not sure how we will get by, because just as you are a crutch to Lo, you are to me too.
But, since we have always been through this thing called parenthood, together, I am letting you know, our days are numbered.
Shall we tie you to a balloon, toss you to the baby cows on the farm or give you to Santa this Christmas Eve? The ideas are beginning to really cross me mind. For now, I will curse you when I can’t find you, because hide n’ seek with you is killer and I will still reach for you when my Lo calls out.
I love you. I hate you. If this was Facebook and you were a person, we would be complicated.
Thanks for humoring me friends. But, for realz, I need advise on weaning the binkie. Please share your ideas and successes below!