It is 2:30 am. And, I cannot sleep.
I have been tossing and turning all night. Waking every half hour and looking at the clock. I actually awoke once and read 12:25 am and instead of my normal feeling of jubilee for more time in bed, more time for shut-eye, I actually sighed like, “Really? Only 12:25?!”
By 2:00 am, the baby awoke from her sleep and cried out for her lost pacifier. I swear yesterday we had 15 in the house, just lying around. Tonight 0. I searched high and low. Literally. Under couches, under beds, finally finding 1. Just 1. Returning to bed, I tossed. Mind racing. I checked Twitter. See look. Proof that at 2:00 am I was reading articles and posting to the web.
Deep down I knew what was happening to me, but I fought it and made excuses for my reckless sleep cycle.
The truth is, I know He is trying to tell me something these days. And, by He, I am referring to God.
I can’t quite figure it out but it hits me and is unlike anything else I can explain.
“Get up and write!” I heard it loud as day in my head.
Fighting to stay in bed, in the warm comfort of my sheets and blankets, I laid there. Squeezing my eyes shut like a child trying to go to sleep. I tossed and turned and fought back, “No, you are crazy. It is 2 am. I cannot get up and write now?”
“Go write. It will clear your mind.” I kept hearing this over and over in my mind. So, finally, laying on my belly starring at the headboard (gosh, I remember LOVING belly sleeping. I lost that urge when I got pregnant with Lo and had to develop a new sleep structure.) I thought, “If you want me up, get me up.” A few seconds later, Baby Lo started to cry, and cry and cry. Lost pacifier recovery mission part two. Okay, I am awake and up.
So, I did what any normal person would do whose alarm starts at 5:30 am for the day. I made a cup of Chai tea and started to write. Now we are up to speed.
I don’t know what I am doing these days. I don’t understand what I am looking for, but I know I am looking, no, I am searching.
This is all super funny to me right now in a serendipity kind of way, because I stumbled across this picture earlier last evening and posted it on my Instagram feed. (I know two hyperlinks to social accounts. Super sly.)
I had no idea when it spoke to me earlier that it would be a 2 am topic of discussion. I shared part of my story on Instagram, part of the bigger picture that I still am uncertain of. My nagging feeling. This voice inside my head. Questioning myself, but in a soul searching and not harmful way.
I know He is telling me something, yet I cannot quite put it together. I feel the need to inspire as the picture above so simply states. I feel the need to contribute to society more, yet don’t know how.
We go to church. We pray. We teach our 14 month old to clasp her hands and say “Amen” before every meal. I hold her at night and pray on her behalf and then usually, and honestly, fall asleep each night in the middle of my own prayers, but through all these “good Christian” ways, I never have felt more connected to God, other than Lo’s birth, than I do when I encounter these moments. The moment I know He is speaking to me. The frustrating thing for me is I don’t know what to do. And, I am someone who needs to know what to do.
So, I sit here crying, drinking my tea, questioning even sharing this post and hitting save and closing the laptop and walking away. Maybe just writing is the therapy I subconsciously needed? But, then I think back to 15 – 20 minutes ago, when I heard, “Go write!” And, I think of this yearning to do more, give back, find my purpose in this world, inspire and think maybe someone else is up right now too and needs this? Who knows?
I do not know His plan. I do not quite yet know what He is telling me. These gut feelings that seem to creep in and present themselves.
Maybe these little moments are just little crumbs leading a trail through the forest, and one day I will come out to a clearing and finally see.
All I can do is listen, act and trust in Him.
This tea is mighty fine and calming and I am questioning the cold medicine, but for now, I am going to shut this computer down, hit post and return to bed.